How the fuck did I get here?
How does a person like me -young, strong, practically a "health nut" when it comes to diet and exercise- fall prey to a cancer that is so aggressive it requires a daily effort to keep it at bay? The only thing keeping me alive right now is modern Medicine. If I had been born 1 generation earlier, my death would probably have come in my 41st year. Is this natural selection? Have I pissed off Mother Earth so strongly that she feels the need to take me out? What the fuck did I do that was so bad?
Science keeps me around. For what?
Since I have had this death sentence imposed upon me I have been inspired to live my life with a passion that cannot be ignored. One example of that is that I love every person that I know in a way that I used to take for granted. I've been trying to nurture relationships with a lot of those people in a way that I probably never would have previously. Some have been successful. Some, not so much...but I'm still working on them, which brings me back to my point; for what? So they can mourn me even more after I'm gone? Am I not just adding to their grief? Why has Science given me this "extra time"? What am I supposed to do with it?
Sometimes I feel like nature doesn't accept me anymore because I'm not actually supposed to be here, and as a result, I find myself feeling...uncomfortable...or maybe uneasy is a better word. I'm not sure, I can't quite peg it, I just feel...off. Like I don't belong in this picture right now. I'm out of place.
I am living and loving to the fullest extent possible [and loving every minute of it] but by doing so I feel like I am somehow taking advantage of these people, the ones I care about the most.
I want to get over that because I love them and I don't like the way I feel when I think about what they will be going through after I die, but I want to get closer to them so I can spend more time with them before I go, and that makes me feel...selfish.
I don't want to hurt anyone.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Interesting thoughts here. I have had similar thoughts and I don't even have a terminal condition (well, beyond life itself which is terminal for all of us, of course).
ReplyDeleteYour experience of time has been greatly altered by your awareness of your own mortality. You have a perspective now that is new and difficult to integrate with all of the other changes you're attempting to integrate. Be gentle with yourself. There are no easy answers here.
Breathe, enjoy what you have even though you feel conflicted. The conflict you're feeling is "natural" for someone who's living at such a heightened state of awareness.
"Sometimes I feel like nature doesn't accept me anymore because I'm not actually supposed to be here, and as a result, I find myself feeling...uncomfortable...or maybe uneasy is a better word. I'm not sure, I can't quite peg it, I just feel...off. Like I don't belong in this picture right now. I'm out of place. "
I've had this feeling. It's a strange one. Difficult to put into words and even more difficult to justify to a mind and society that values life so dearly. For me, it's that feeling an animal must get when it's mortally wounded and it leaves the pack to go off and die. But we humans are such social creatures that there's a pull between wanting to be together and wanting to isolate. And I think the cognitive dissonance of holding both of those states makes us feel a little out of place, out of body. At least that's my experience of it.
Regardless, whatever the reasons, know that it's okay to feel what you're feeling. Selfish? Meh. Who knows? At the end of the day, most of what we do in life could be defined as selfish.
Be, love, breathe, love.
My Dear Anthony
ReplyDeleteMy Brother in Law. Really, just my brother. Drop the in-law part. I love you.
I read your blog faithfully but I never ever know how to respond. What could I possibly say to you that would make you feel better, what could I possibly do that could make you feel better. I have no idea. Admittedly. I got nothin. The only thing I do have, this of which I am sure, is love, respect and admiration for you. I love you because you are the person you are, I respect you because you are say what you mean and mean what you say, no matter what others think. Fuck em all. I love that attitude. I share it. I live it. Lol. I admire you because you are strong and brave and MAN you are a good parent...Ive been there, done that, on my own, and fuck is it hard. You deserve an award for the job youve done with your kids. Good on you. I have nothing more to say that will make it better or make it go away. Just know that I am here, I care, I love you, I think of you, and I hope that is enough. God (or whatever higher power you choose to believe in, if any) be with you. I am.
Thank you for your support, both of you. (Tall Penguin and "anonymous")
ReplyDeleteI love you for it.
I hope fate smiles upon both of you.