It's been almost seven months since Anthony left this world & here I am, his partner in  love, to share some after thoughts.  Since the title of this entry is "Afterthoughts", I thought I would begin with the thought I had as I sat down to write this.  I began to think back to the time when Anthony & my relationship changed from friendship (OK, friends with a very strong attraction to one another & unexplained feeling of some powerful connection) to lovers & life partners.  We fell in love through a series of emails that continued throughout our time together until it was no longer possible due to his illness. Emails are funny, they are like letters but also like conversation but with time to think of a response.  It was unique & I loved it, I miss it.   In the early emails we shared everything about each other & our pasts (yes, I do mean everything).  It was our acceptance of each others past's & mistakes made with no judgements or jealousy's that was part of what allowed our love to grow so strong & magical.

So. this blog idea developed some time ago & it  took this  long for me to be able to get myself to a place where I could bring myself to put it all out there.  The thoughts are taken from the many things people have said to me privately, some I have heard during group conversations with friends & family & some from social media & text messages cause that's the world we all live in.  The thinkers of the thoughts are not revealed (some will be obvious)  but they come from friends, family, exes & me of course.  When I approached Jason (Anthony's brother) about my idea he sent me some letters to be included which I will post separately because they deserve their own entry.
Afterthoughts.....driving by his house (it is now sold & occupied by others) it has become increasingly difficult to control my emotions; when I look at that picture above his bass I really miss him; if love could have saved you, you would have lived forever; I have no one to talk to anymore; I hope I did enough for him when he needed me; we didn't get a chance to say everything we wanted to say; I hope you could feel my presence & love in the days before you died & that I did a good job taking care of you; keeping busy keeps me from thinking too much; 43 years old is too young, I want a redo; Mom, do you know how to make those potatoes Anthony used to make, cause I really liked them?; I miss your texts with the weekly No Frills specials; I am not ready for that search, it is too much; hope all is well, if not, you are not alone; what a heart wrenching thing, sorting & throwing out the belongings of the one you love more than anything into a huge garbage bin, it feels like my heart has been ripped out all over again; I am feeling exhausted from all that has been this past year; my soul hurts, I feel like I am falling apart; the sound of him singing both comforts me & breaks my heart; I can feel the sun's warmth again & it tears my heart out because I remember when you buried your head in my chest & sobbed as you said you would never feel that again; I feel weak, I don't care about anything, I am simply existing; Life is too hard for me right now; I am surrounded by so much love yet I feel so alone, WTF is up with that?; house closes today, I cannot believe I will never walk through that door again, there was so much love there; I am really glad you loved my Dad, none of the others loved him like you did & it made him happy.  I am glad he died happy because of you; I would give anything to hear you call me your Dragonfly just one more time; I know time will ease the pain & sorrow but in a way I don't want that because while both are so powerful I can feel it physically sometimes, once it lessens I am afraid he will not feel as close to me.

A couple more......my best friend's death was a reopening of a wound not yet healed, in some ways my Mother's death was a bit of a safety net to what I would be witness to (not to sound disrespectful to my mom), but it would be the first time I experienced someone (a loved one) die in front of me, I think it was in late July I noticed Anthony's arms and the way they looked, weak and fragile, I had seen my Mother's arms look the same way, but I never told anyone, didn't want to sound like I had given up, which I never did.........we could talk about anything, I never had that with anyone else.......my music mate, band mate, co writer of songs, a relationship I will always be grateful for, my talent as a guitarist or musician owes credit to Anthony, Jason and the Biagi family big time.  Brother Studios is my tribute to all they gave, like carrying on a tradition.  Spiritual signs, gifts and energies have been ever present in people I have recently met or close relationships I have built with others he is here and I feel him with us, why do I believe in these things?  A few weeks before my Mother passed she had asked my Father if I had found a puppy, I had not, a few months later the most beautiful little puppy walked into my life, truly a godsend, a sign, a gift, a gift like Anthony's friendship.  Although our close connection with the love of music is a daily reminder of songs I will never play again or songs we would talk to each other about, some would say it's a curse, I think it means I will always have him around, and through music and love, which I have plenty of, I will get through this, he touched many people and will be missed, it hasn't been easy, still a lot of disbelief, a certain feeling of being cheated out of many years of friendship and memories from both my Mother and Brother.....7 months past it feels like a flash of light, lost in darkness without your guidance it's a hard road to fight, Still smoking everyday, I think I smoke more and more just so I can leave early so I can see you once more, I know I wont, I wish I could,  you taught me logic and open minded observation, how to analyze every situation.  I am an observer from the outside looking in. You were my number 1 friend, my teacher my guide through life. I could talk to you about any idea or thought that entered my mind you wouldn't dispute it unless it was silly and somewhat stupid but you never called it that you just corrected the error in my mind and I was fine with that. With every passing second I wish I could bring you back even just for a minute so we could hug and laugh. As each day passes I see more and more of you within me, remember I started as a small seed, I was the fastest sperm you had in that shot, perhaps I'm getting a little vulgar but I think you'd enjoy that. I'm not sure what to do anymore.. every passing second I miss you more and more I love you, you are the omnipotent daddyman and shall always be.
Grief is not easy.  It is a constant struggle to push through, it consumes your thoughts, your heart, your spirit & your soul.  It takes away your motivation & your energy.  It bombards you with sorrow, fear, despair & sometimes anger.  It floods your mind with unwelcome thoughts & takes beautiful memories of magical times & turns them into things that make you sob uncontrollably because you know those magical times are gone forever (I know that one day the memories will be beautiful for me again, I also know it's just not time yet).  It forces your mind to places you have no interest in going & to consider your future when you don't want to.  And it intensifies as time passes.  That is just a small part of what grief does to me.  I also grieve for the others who have lost Anthony.  A brother left with only memories & the crushing realization that one of the few people who knew him from his first breath of life cannot share the rest of his life with him.  A sister in law who was in reality his sister, whose love for him could be felt, who struggles to support her husband, me, their beautiful girls & the rest of the family through our grief all the while grieving herself.   Two mothers, one with a grown up son & a young & whimsical teen, now without  their Dad as she must try to pick up where Anthony left off, the other with a teenage daughter & young son left to guide their daughter through the most turbulent part of her life & left to try to figure out how to see that their little boy remembers his Dad & knows how much he loved him & to teach him the kind of man he was.  Two parents who had to watch their son, their first born endure such pain & suffering & then die, to any parent that is unimaginable.  A best friend, already rocked to the core at the loss of his Mom only months before, now left without the person he could say anything to, the one he went to with his troubles without fear of judgement & knowing he would always be fully supported & loved, his brother & soulmate in friendship, his beloved bandmate.  Four children and two stepchildren, all beautiful & unique beings, all who adored him.  A Grandmother, woken from her afternoon nap to be told her Grandson was gone & now must live out her life wondering why he was taken so young.  A host of close friends, part of his life since they were children & teenagers, all with cherished memories & the deep pain of his loss.  It is fresh & powerful of each of us, in different ways for all of us.  And perhaps the most painful part of it all, for me anyway, because I  loved him so & because of the way he loved me, I grieve the simple fact that he did not get to finish his life, he had so much to give, he taught everyone who knew him so much simply by the way he was, full of wonder & passion, loving, giving & forgiving (to name a few things) & by the way he loved us all.

And finally, because Anthony was always afraid of depressing people with thoughts of darkness & despair, in his honour, I will end this entry on a positive note.  Along with the sorrow I am filled with wonder & awe & gratitude for the deep love, understanding, acceptance & compassion that has been showered upon me by Anthony's friends & family, now too forever my friends and family.  And by my own group of friends, like Anthony's, my friends since I was a young girl, it is comforting to know, without question that they all love me & hold me close in their hearts, especially my best friend who calls & texts me almost daily just to make sure I am ok.  And to my own family, the ones that have been with me since the beginning, they love me & worry about me too.  And to my sister, as children we hated each other, as adults she is more like a best friend.  I could never express in words how much this means & will always mean to me, if not for it all I would be lost, completely broken, my soul & spirit destroyed.  I know Anthony would be so happy to know of the unbreakable bond shared by his best friend & I & I believe our friendship was a gift to us both from him, he knew we would be there for each other & take care of each other and I cannot thank him & his beautiful, caring & giving woman enough for accepting & supporting our friendship by welcoming me into their lives so freely.  He would also feel the same way to see the love & support & the thoughtfulness of his Brother & Wife, shown to me in so many ways and I can only hope my presence in their lives does for them what theirs in mine does for me, they are my Brother & Sister (I have 2 of each now).  His parents, words are hard to find, they love me as I do them and made me a part of their lives & family freely.  I feel like a daughter to them & that is only a bit of why I love them so.  To all of Anthony's friends who have now become mine, thank you for accepting me & wanting to keep me.  I am overwhelmed & filled with wonder at the love that surrounds me & am forever grateful for it.  I have not one ounce of regret and the gift of love, so pure & unconditional that Anthony gave me will always be the most precious I have ever received.  I am a lucky girl.