The real beginning.

I've been feeling rather...melancholy in recent days.  Maybe it's because of all the uncertainty that exists with regards to my treatments (or lack thereof) and current prognosis.  Maybe it's the fear of what's going to happen to my kids in the future.  Perhaps it's because my most recent PSA test shows my levels are back into triple digits -103- doubled in less than a month.  Whatever it is, I have found the resulting hindsight that I have been experiencing to be almost frightening in it's clarity, so, the wordy fuck is back.

I was reading back on this blog recently and I realized that, although I touched on it,  I never really described in detail the very first symptoms that I felt leading up to my diagnosis.  These "symptoms" were hardly noticeable events that occurred in such a way that I simply chalked them up to getting older and it was just part of that natural process for me, based on my genetics.  However,  had I recognized what they actually meant and been checked back then, I could have been treated for it and I wouldn't be in this situation right now.  I would have been one of the "lucky" ones who caught it before it was too late.   I thought it would be in keeping with my desire to help prevent this shit from happening to other people like me if I shared the true genesis of this blessed situation, the small stuff that I ignored until it was too late, so that someone else can hopefully count themselves as one of the lucky ones.  I think it's useful information because anyone reading this who recognizes these symptoms  in themselves will hopefully do something about it, and I think it's important information because these things were happening to me when I was 35 or 36 years old!  Quite a bit younger than the statistics would have you believe that you should be concerned about such things.  Also a bit younger than I had originally thought my symptoms started.  Like I said, frightening clarity.  

I can't remember exactly when the first "event" took place because I didn't think that much of it at the time so I never recorded it anywhere, but I do remember what it was, and I know that I was in my mid-thirties because it happened within a few months (maybe a year, tops) after having moved into my current home.
The very first time I felt something wrong was after a Beaches Jazz festival weekend in 2003 or 2004.  I don't remember much about the festival itself, due to the amount of alcohol consumption that took place, but I do remember waking up on Sunday feeling like someone had shoved a baseball up my ass and I couldn't get it out. [I also vomited that morning, which I have never done in my drinking career.  I have always done it at night before passing out, it makes the spins go away.  I'm not sure if it's relevant, but I thought I'd note it anyway...just in case.]   My prostate was so swollen that it was impossible for me to have a bowel movement.  I tried, I could feel the need to shit, but nothing could get past that fucking baseball.  The problem lasted for about 24 hours, then it went away and I felt fine.  Then it happened again.  It occurred every once in awhile over the course of several months, not every time I drank, but only when I had been drinking.  Then it started happening randomly, irrespective of whether I had been drinking or not, and more often.  This is when the urinary problems began.  Urgent and frequent need to piss, but a weak flow when it came.  It wasn't that bad in the beginning, I thought perhaps I was drinking too much, so I stopped for a few months.  It didn't help.  I also started having erectile dysfunction.  I found that to be a little emasculating and very embarrassing, but Viagra took care of that little problem (quite well in fact) so I didn't worry about that too much.  By this time I had done some research and knew that it was my prostate that was "acting up", but again, I was too young to worry about it being cancer, that shit only happens to old people, right?
Right...

I got that attitude partially from listening to the media ads on T.V. and radio that encouraged men my age to go for the old "finger swoop up the shoot".  Shitty propaganda because it made you feel like; "Yeah, sure, that's probably a good idea, but I feel fine.  Maybe next year."  (we used to be inundated with them, but I don't recall having heard or seen one for some time now.  Hmm.) Also, from talking to other people about it, including my Family Doctor.  A note here: I do not hold my Doctor responsible for this in even the smallest way.  He was simply following standard protocols, which are based on statistics and of course the desire to save the taxpayers a little money by not having expensive testing done when the numbers don't warrant it.  Bone scans, CT scans, biopsies, all of these things are quite costly.  What I blame is those protocols!  That is where change is needed, and the only people who can change them is us!  The patients!  The people who use and rely on this system to keep us healthy and alive for as long as possible.
If YOU, reading this right now, have ever felt anything that resembles what I just described above, you must go to your Family Doctor TODAY and demand a PSA test and get a D.R.E. (Digital Rectal Exam).  Not tomorrow, not next week...TODAY!!   He/she may hesitate and tell you that you are too young for that, that it's probably something minor like Prostatitis, and they may be right, but, what if they're wrong?  Why would you want to take that chance?  DON'T take that chance!  I did, and look at what it got me.  If your Doctor won't do it, tell them my story, or go to another Doctor.  I know, the idea of somebody putting their finger up your ass is not very appealing, (to most people anyway) but if it means the difference between seeing your kids grow up (Maybe even see some grand-children) or not?  It's a small inconvenience.   And, yes,  if you have no Family history of cancer, the PSA test will cost you $35.00.  Too much?  Then think about this;  how much money did you spend on Timmys last month?  Or beer? Or cigarettes? Weed?  Lotteries?  Whatever your "thing" is that makes you feel good, but if you didn't have it, it wouldn't kill you?  Would it?
Cancer will kill you, IF you allow it to arrive unannounced.
If you're that uncomfortable with your own masculinity and/or too cheap to spend $35.00 on something that might save your life, then, in my estimation, you deserve to die. [Bitter much? Yeah, maybe.]  If, however, you can be strong enough to see past all that bullshit, you could spare the people around you, the ones who love you, a lot of pain and heartache.  Not to mention the primary benefit to you; remaining upright and breathing for as long as possible.

I don't want to become some kind of preaching fanatic, but this shit is really starting to piss me off!  Every time I go to the cancer centre for treatment I see more and more people my age (or younger) being treated for a disease that we just shouldn't have.  It's a fucking epidemic and I want to try to do something about it.  So, I am begging, pleading with you, dear reader; do NOT ignore your body's signals that something is wrong.  The modern world is exposing us to more cancer causing agents than ever before in our history.  From the air that we breath to the food that we eat, we are ALL at risk!  Age is irrelevant.  Early detection is our only savior at this point. 
Take advantage of that, while you still can.