A letter never read.....

So, sometime late last fall, early November I think, I wrote a letter to Anthony with the intention of him being able to carry it with him & read it when he felt moments of despair.  It was important to me, more important at that time then it had been previously for him to know his value & worth to those of us who loved him most as it was something he struggled with a great deal.  So great was his love for me & the rest of us that he worried terribly about what his illness was doing to us emotionally (he was selfless like that, one of the many things I loved about him).  Well I never got to give Anthony the letter because when it was done he could not see well enough to read it anymore, I decided I would read it to him one Tuesday night (date night) but time had other ideas and I never had the chance, so to mark a year since I lost my greatest love I decided to "undress my soul" as Raine says & post it here.  I love you My Magic Man, always & forever.

My dearest Anthony, my one and only love.

I wanted to write you a letter to share my love for you on paper & besides I have never written you a paper letter.  There are our emails but I thought this way you could keep it with you and read it when you're feeling down, it's purpose is to help bring you back up.

Very early on, okay like the first or second time we met, I felt a connection, a kind of oneness between us.  It stayed with me (and I now know with you also) and I was reminded each time we saw each other.  When we began "dating" I knew very early on that you loved me exactly the way I was and I knew that would never change. I always knew my heart was safe with you and I never had to worry about you leaving me (I hope I have made you feel that way too).   I am yours, fully, completely in every way and that will never change.  Your every touch sends shivers through me and your love for me fills each touch.  I  have never felt such a powerful, unconditional love.

Your suffering has horrified me, your strength and determination have inspired me and filled me with awe and wonder.  Your love for me is exquisite and you must always remember how that love has and continues to help me learn and grow and if you leave this place before me, I know with absolute certainty that this love will never die.  It will live within us forever, wherever we are because it's purity and unconditioned beauty lives within each of our beings so it cannot die.

Anthony, my love, you are strong and passionate, unselfish and thoughtful.  I love your sense of humour, your positivity and ability to admit your mistakes and learn from them.  I love your thirst for knowledge and your wonder and your curiosity, the amazing ability you have to savour everything and find beauty in all that surrounds your life.  The way you feel good when you watch people around you enjoying life even though so many of the things you love to do have been taken from you astounds me and makes me so proud to say you are mine.  You are smart and very sexy and you make me feel treasured, adored and cherished.  All these things and so much more are why you are so loved by so many (well hopefully not the sexy part, that's for just me).  You  have taught me to always fight not to lose any part of myself, how to be soft and vulnerable without fear of betrayal or judgement, how to be determined but not too hardass, to not give up on myself or the people I love.  You've taught me to try and make things right if it's important and it's heading in the wrong direction.  Every person who has ever been before, is now or will be in the future a part of your life is richer because of it.

My wish for you, hold on to and cherish the joy and love that surrounds you.  Forgive yourself for all the mistakes made and wrongs you feel you have inflicted because you are human like us all and we all have made mistakes and caused pain.  You have learned important lessons and grown from these.  Recognize your beauty and worth, your importance in the lives of those who love you.  Never lose who you are and let yourself live in peace of mind and soul.

You have built wonderful connections with all of us that will stay with us forever.  As a parent you follow your heart, make decisions based on deep love and caring for your children and the desire to keep them safe and help them learn and grow.  You give them the freedom to explore and find themselves and become who they were meant to be just as your parents did and do for you.  I believe strongly that a lot of what we teach our children comes not from what we say but what they see us do.  Your children have learned by observing  your example and living their lives with you, all of your wonderful qualities.  You have set a very good example for them!  You have so many friends who love you dearly and stand beside you in life, a brother you have grown with, fought with, played with as a child, walked with down the path of life, never far apart and from this a deep respect and love has come.  A best friend with whom I recognized a deep connection between the two of you the first time I met him, so strong a connection I was kinda afraid of him at first (I didn't want him to be suspicious and afraid I would hurt you), I felt the love between you, so strong like ours.  A connection deep and long, grown over many years together.  You have taught us all to live for the moment with your acceptance of your illness, to move forward with hope, will and belief in ourselves, all this with very little complaint (certainly a great deal less than you are entitled to in my opinion).

Anthony, you are my Magic Man, forever and ever because you fill my life with the most magical love, every time I see you my heart feels like it is going to fly right out of my body, the power of the love I have for you is nothing short of astounding, thank you baby for giving yourself to me, I am forever grateful for you.  Our time together is and will always be the part of my life I cherish most.

Always

Your Smiling Angel xo