Impetuous rantings

I've been "working" on an entry for a few days now but I just can't seem to get it "right". Perhaps I'll finish it someday and post it. (or not) In the meantime I've had an interesting ride in the past few days so I'm just gonna spew it out and editing be damned.

I've discovered new love, re-discovered old love, and realized that right now my very existence is dependent on a couple of little pills that I have to take everyday, and if I don't, I will die.

The pill thing kinda freaks me out. I of course knew that the meds were keeping me alive, but I've been feeling so good that I seem to have forgotten it, until now. I forgot to take my pills (I think it was two days ago) and I could feel the difference. It wasn't drastic by any stretch of the imagination, but it was there and I felt it, and it scared me. It reminded me of just how fleeting life truly is (especially mine) and if I don't get up off my ass and start living it, before I know it, it will be gone! I can't believe that I forgot that so soon, just because I'm feeling better now.

The whole "love" thing brought it home for me as well, but at the same time also drew me into more inner conflict; I DON"T KNOW WHAT TO DO!! (or even what I CAN do) I'm a fucking mess. Maybe I'll write another "soap opera" post, that's bound to help. {rolleyes}

I guess what I'm getting at here is, I'm beginning to come to terms with my mortality and trying to decide what I actually want to do with what's left of my life. However, at the same time, I am observing how people who don't have similar time restraints waste so much of their lives with mundane nonsense that does nothing to improve the quality of their lives; it's just what they've always done, so they continue to do it.
It drives me nuts!!
It makes me want to shake them and say, "don't you realize we are all going to be dead soon and no one will care about that shit after we're gone, so why are you doing it?" But I can't do that, unless I feel like getting arrested and put into a lovely rubber room with people who are crocheting things that aren't there. Also, people don't like to be reminded that they will die someday. We like to walk around with our false sense of immortality and pretend like it's never going to end because it makes us feel better.
What bullshit!
I see a huge paradox here. This mindset is the fruit of religion, and the promise of eternal life, and yet, that institution and it's promises are borne from our natural fear of death. How the fuck do we fix that?

I guess if I had the answer to that question I'd have my own religion, wouldn't I?

I'm staring death in the face and I have no fear. But I am still afraid of what I might miss, so I guess I'm scared.