So, what now?

It's a funny thing, staring your mortality in the face.

Actually, I am currently stuck between a state of shock and a state of denial. Which means I haven't had that staring contest yet. I have cried, once or twice alone, but more often it's because the person I'm talking to starts first, and then I lose control with them.

I keep waiting for...something, I'm not sure what. Fear? Despair? Hopelessness? I don't know. I haven't felt any of those things to any great degree, yet. In fact, it's almost the exact opposite, as if I've already come to terms with it, but I'm sure that I haven't. I mean, shouldn't I be making plans? Getting out there and doing all the stuff that I've always wanted to do but keep putting off? I think so, but I just don't feel inspired in that way, and that concerns me a little bit. Is that denial, or is it despair in disguise? Have I given up? Am I just sitting around waiting to die? I don't feel that way either.

Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I am currently overwhelmed with a broken heart. I sacrificed a relationship with a woman for whom I cared very deeply on the alter of "you deserve more than to have to suffer through this with me, just to watch me die" altruism, and the sense of loss that I'm going through because of that is very strong right now. I believe that I am feeling more over that loss than I am over the fact that my life has been cut short on me. I think a large part of that feeling is the disappointment in the fact that she actually accepted my offer, without protest. As much as I do want to spare her the hardship of all of this, I guess I was hoping that she would want to stick by me regardless, at least in some capacity. I suppose it's not fair of me to think bad of her for her decision, after all, I did present her with the choice and should not have done so if I wasn't prepared for her to go in that direction, but still, I can't help but feel more than a little hurt by it. I thought I meant more to her than that, but I guess I was wrong. I don't know, maybe I'm just being selfish.

Perhaps once I get over that loss I'll be more open to dealing with my own situation on a deeper level than I am right now. Until then all I can do is try to mend my broken heart and not be too distracted by it, focus more on the people who are sticking with me and less on the ones who choose not to.