...and now, the weather.

How can life be so contradictory?
So good and so bad at the same time?
Or, is the bad stuff simply a problem created by our own perceptions?

So, now I get into how all of this makes me feel.  Most of this is not new.  It's been tough, at times.  It's what I imagine a manic-depressive personality must live like.  The good days are so good, almost unbelievably so, and the bad days are, well...like being on rock bottom.  I've had four "emotional breakdowns" in the past few weeks.  They come without warning or provocation, and they are...unpleasant.  However, the times in between those unfortunate events are almost joyous.  I am still loving and enjoying all aspects of life and living, even the things that would normally be a nuisance to me.  Most of the time I am able to find humor in it, which brings laughter, and the laughter brings me joy.
There is a new dynamic though, one that usually finds it's way into my head and heart during times like these, the uncertain times, when there are problems with my health that make the cancer fight more real for me because I feel it, the pain, the numbness, all the physical manifestations that come with this wonderful affliction, when the cancer appears to have the upper hand.
That dynamic is this; I am afraid to make plans because I might not be able to fulfill them, and I don't want to die feeling that disappointment.  I need to make peace with myself, to be as satisfied as possible with my life, as it is and as it was, in order to lessen the despair that I know will come as my time gets closer.  Dying like this is extremely challenging.  I have all this time to think about shit like this, but not enough time to think about or plan a life.  I know that this line of thinking sounds like something a person who has "given up" might follow, but this isn't about giving up, it's about facing the reality so that I can be as prepared as is humanly possible, (for me) emotionally and mentally, for the inevitable.
I don't know that I will ever be fully prepared for, or accepting of,  my ultimate fate [in fact, I'm sure that I will never be, but, I can try] however, my primary concern is not always me, but the people that I will be "leaving behind".  My children, my lover, my friends and Family; the ones who love me as I love them.  I feel despair for them...all this time that I have to think about it, sometimes it overwhelms me.  So, I try to not think about it too much and instead try to focus on creating positive memories for them.  Good times together that can be remembered fondly.  Realistically, that is all that I can do, so I try to stick with the program and not let my fears get in the way.
There is one problem with that strategy that I am having right now though, that is weighing heavily on my heart.  My relationship with my 15 year old Son.  I have somehow managed to completely alienate him.  He lives with me, we see each other every day, but he never talks to me anymore.  He doesn't even say hello to me when he comes home from school or when I come home from work.  I know it sounds like an exaggeration but it isn't.  I don't know what to do about it.  I try to reach out to him, open some kind of dialogue, but he keeps pushing me away.  It breaks my heart to see him so angry with me all of the time, but I will not give up.  Failure is not an option here.  He is stubborn and exhausting, his perseverance and strength of will are enviable, I just wish he would use those talents for something more positive than pushing me out of his life.  I will be writing more about him soon.   



Sometimes the bad stuff is simply a problem created by our own perceptions, other times we need to change our perceptions of the bad stuff, in order to create solutions that are positive and based on love...
Or something like that.