Disbelief in the existence or reality of a thing.
Interesting, isn't it? Denial is a force so powerful that we can (and usually do) find ourselves denying the fact that we are in denial. How fucked up is that?
I think that many of the people who are closest to me are in denial, and I am one of them. How do I protect myself from that? How do I stay clear headed, accepting of the reality of my situation while still trying to embrace what I have left with as much passion and vigor as I can muster, but not fall into the trap of "don't worry, everything is going to be okay."? I hate this shit! It's like I'm in limbo. I'm alive, more alive than I've felt in years, but I'm dying. Faster than everyone else in my life, but still slow enough that it's impossible to notice, even by me sometimes. What the fuck am I supposed to do?!? Be all miserable and doom and gloom; "Oh poor me, I'm so hard done by."? I'm not interested in that shit! I've been living my life to the fullest extent possible, with a new found appreciation for everything, but by doing so I have left myself unprepared for the reality that is currently kicking me in the ass because I have crept into that beautiful bubble of denial. I don't know how to deal with such a juxtaposition of realities. I want to feel both, need to feel both; but I can't! They just don't blend together. I want to live my life to it's fullest, counting the joy of every passing moment, but I don't want to lose sight of why I started doing it. I'm confused. I don't know what I'm supposed to think or how I'm supposed to feel.
Start thinking less and feeling more. Yes, your days are numbered, but so are mine, and same with everyone else. As was the case with everyone before our time, and as will be the case with everyone after the time.
ReplyDeleteI read an article today that suggested before long there will be no such thing as normal, as virtually everyone on this planet suffers from some sort of physical, mental, or emotional ailment.
Keep living life and doing what you enjoy most. The thoughts of what could happen in our future often has a negative impact on the potential greatness that we could be experiencing in the present. Don't let it get you down.
Breathe, my dear. Breathe. Denial isn't a word I'd use to describe your current state. I think you've been very clear about confronting your reality. Confused? Yes. Scared? Yes. Emotional? Yes. And considering what you're up against, I would say you're exactly where you're supposed to be. There's no "normal" here, as Darren points out, but your reactions are completely understandable.
ReplyDeleteThere's no rulebook for handling life and there's even less of one for handling death. Our society sucks at dealing with mortality. So, give yourself a break here. Be gentle with yourself. Take a step back and look at how you want your experience over the next little while to feel. Darren's advice of thinking less and feeling more is a good one. Your head has all the facts. You know the probabilities of your situation. Now let your heart do the rest.
And yo, if you ever need to vent send me an email. I've been told I'm a good listener. :)
Oh, and Darren, I'd be curious to know which article you're referring to. Sounds interesting.
ReplyDeletehttp://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20100728/hl_nm/us_mental
ReplyDeleteIt's actually kind of scary... the pharmaceutical companies will never go out of business...
ReplyDelete"The criteria are designed to provide clear definitions for professionals who treat patients with mental disorders, and for researchers and pharmaceutical drug companies seeking to develop new ways of treating them."
Ah yes, the DSM-V. I've been following this story closely. This concerns me greatly. I worry that pathologizing a greater number of normal human reactions and responses is going to lead to a whole lot of overprescribing while those with serious mental issues will fall through the widening cracks of the medical system.
ReplyDeleteMake peace with your inner self if you have not done so.
ReplyDelete"How does anyone find inner peace?"
I am who I am. I am not you, and you are not me.
My life journey has taken me across hillsides, caves and jungles. Whereas yours may take you along the ocean shore. I am me, as you are you. I not to be compared to you and you are not to be compared to me. God has designed me as he has designed you to be who he means for you and I to be. He alone is our author. Release all toxic gases from your mind, spirit, heart, body and soul. Breathe...
THE SERENITY PRAYER
God, grant me the SERENITY to accept the things I cannot change COURAGE to change the things I can and WISDOM to know the difference.
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John 14:27
"Peace I leave with you, my peace I give to you: my peace is different than what the world gives. Do not let your heart be troubled nor be afraid."
Until one has found THE PRINCE OF PEACE they will never truly HAVE PEACE inside. When you are at PEACE with GOD then you will be a peace with self and others.