Another update, sort of.

I feel like talking about me for a minute (imagine that) so I'm just gonna spew out some of what has been on my mind lately.

I love life! I really love it. I appreciate it more than I ever did before. Even the "bad stuff". I equate it to the old axiom "there is no such thing as bad press". Any time is a good time to be alive.
I have been given a gift. The gift of appreciation of life and all of it's various dynamics. It's all good. The passion that I notice in other people that I never noticed before, the passion that I am beginning to notice in myself that I had previously suppressed. I'm writing songs now. I was never able to do that before because I was always too self conscious about my own thoughts and creativity. I no longer have those restraints. In fact, I have come to the realization that if I feel the need to "get it out" than I had better do it now because soon it will be too late and my passion will pass, unfulfilled and unnoticed.
I have very few regrets, but one of them is that I allowed my musical creativity to be stifled for this long. I'm not an exceptional musician, I can "carry a tune" and it always sounds better when I'm drunk, but I truly love music. I love listening to it, I love imitating it, and now I love creating it. I used to hold back when it came to writing songs because I was worried that nobody would like them. Now I don't care. I do it anyway, just because it feels good.

Speaking of feels good; tomorrow I go for my first P.S.A. test since starting the hormone therapy. I'm not too worried about it because I feel so much better now, but, like any "test" there are standards which need to be met. If the drugs are working the way they're supposed to be than my levels will be at or near zero. If they are not, than that means the process is not working exactly as it should and my prognosis changes accordingly. Given that I am feeling so good right now I can't imagine that it would be very much one way or the other but because of my new found love for life it would really suck to lose any more time than I have already.

It's ironic actually.
In some ways the cancer is the best thing that ever happened to me, it's opened my eyes to a life that I previously took for granted, but now that I've come to cherish that life so much I feel an even greater sense of loss at the prospect of it ending anytime soon.

But, in the meantime, I'm still loving it. If I were to do otherwise, then I might as well already be dead.