If you're a fan of soap operas then you might be interested in this post.
If you're not, then don't even bother reading it. It's just some of the struggles that I am currently going through right now in regards to my social life.
I was recently contacted by a friend from the past, a female friend, who has expressed a long held romantic interest in me, and the feeling is mutual, but I am hesitant to become involved with her even though I really want to, and I know it would be good for me. I'm just not so sure how good it would be for her.
Given my current circumstances, I'm not even sure that I ever want to (or should) become seriously involved with a woman again. I am lonely, and I do like her, but I mean really, when I think about it, it doesn't seem right to nurture the love of a woman, knowing that I'm only here for "a good time, not a long time". I may feel good right now, better than I have in 2 or 3 years, but I am still not the man I was 3 years ago and likely never will be again. I still have cancer and I am still going to die, probably within the next 10 years. Yes, I am fighting strong and well, and I remain steadfast in my belief that there is a possibility that I can fight this through the natural course of my life and live to a decent age before finally succumbing to the cancer (or something else. Maybe someone will kill me because they are sick of listening to me; >"Die already, you wordy bastard!!"< ), but I am also a realist. I cannot ignore the statistics, or my Doctors' experience with other cancer patients. (Or the image that I now see in the mirror, I've noticed some changes, and they're not good ones.) I'd like to think that somehow I'm special, (in one way I am, terminal prostate cancer at 40, woohoo! lucky me!) that it can be different for me, but the reality is, I'm just another human, just another number, and in the end there is only so much that I can do for myself, and since I don't believe in a God any more, I'm not expecting a miracle any time soon. So, would it be fair of me to put someone through that kind of inevitable emotional pain just so that I can spend the few remaining years of my life with a companion and not alone? Wouldn't that be selfish? Isn't that why I gave my former girlfriend the option of leaving, because I didn't want to do that to her? Why would I want to do it to somebody else? These are just some of the questions that I am currently struggling with. I don't want to die alone and I can't imagine that there are very many women who would even want to put themselves into this position, yet this fine lady claims that she is approaching the situation with her eyes open, fully aware of what to expect and how it will most likely end up if we make it a long term attachment. Even still, does that make it alright?
I know that, for me, if I was involved in a serious romantic relationship with someone who developed a terminal illness I would never leave them, (at least, not for that, perhaps something else?) but if I met a woman who told me that she currently has cancer, or if someone I liked from the past, but was never linked to romantically, developed it, that I would be very hesitant to get close to her in a romantic or loving way. [ It's a self preservation thing, we all have our fair share of having to bury our loved ones over the course of our lives, why walk into a situation where we know that it's imminent in the near future?] Why should I expect someone else to make a sacrifice like that when I'm almost positive that I would not do the same for them? It makes me feel like I'd be taking advantage of her in some way.
I'm not sure what to do at this point, but I know what I'm not going to do; make any impetuous decisions.
I have lots of pondering ahead of me.
(If you're not a fan of soap operas and you read this far? I warned you.)
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
My dearest friend met her husband while he was dealing with cancer. She knew the prognosis. They had a few very good years together before he died. It was the love of her life and she doesn't regret a moment of their time together, although it was short and often filled with pain and grief. They loved each other. It was enough.
ReplyDeleteI say that it isn't your decision. If this woman is willing to enter into relationship with you knowing the possible course of things, that is her decision, not yours. The question is: can YOU open to being loved when you know that it may only be for a short time?
(By the way, I know you don't know me personally, but I feel a sort of kinship with you that I can't explain. I'm not usually this opinionated with folks I've never met and you are more than welcome to tell me to shut the f*$k up. But know that I'm here and witnessing your life unfolding from afar and really wish love for you, however long you may get to enjoy it.)
Thank you tall penguin. Your advice and comments are much appreciated, and deeply considered.
ReplyDeleteI would never tell you to shut the fuck up because you are wise, and if there is one thing that I need in my life right now, it is other peoples wisdom.
dear 'wordy fuck',
ReplyDeletequite frankly i personally have mostly always valued your insightful wordynesses. a wee bit this way and that but hey, look what your're reading.
as to the woman thing, well, i stood buy someone in a similar position and though painfull it was and remains something that i would do again and again. 'it's all relative'.
hugs are good my friend...
that skinny jewish fellow
LOL. I don't know about wise, Anthony. I've just been able to scrape out some learning from the gaping wound I call my life. :)
ReplyDeleteFeel free to contact me through my blog if you ever want to chat. I love written correspondence. Us wordy fucks need to stick together.