I had a very strange weekend. It was filled with such a wide range of sorrow and happiness that by the end of it I was thrust into a state of utter confusion. I experienced the joys of friendship and love, and the sadness of death and disappointment and by the end of today all I wanted to do was just shut down.
It was too much.
I have been living my "new life" with such passion and vigor, savoring every experience -good and bad- to such an extreme that the conflict becomes almost unbearable. I don't know how I'm "supposed" to be feeling at any given moment. I was touched by death twice this weekend. The loss of my Daughter's dog and the tribute to a good friend whose ashes I helped spread as part of his dying wish. I was also touched by love this weekend, meeting new friends and enjoying the company of old ones. The juxtaposition of joy and sadness all at once, and feeling it on the level that I do now, creates a turmoil within me that I am unable to reconcile. How can I be laughing and having a good time when I feel such sorrow, and how can I be crying when I feel so much love around me from the people that I'm with? I can't separate the feelings from the respective experiences, and the passion that I feel is so overwhelming that I feel as though I'm losing control of myself. I don't know "which way is up".
It causes me to behave inappropriately sometimes, which has an adverse affect on the people around me, people that I care about. I feel like I'm disappointing them by not having the strength to reign myself in, to control this clusterfuck of emotion that is swirling around inside of me. I don't want to disappoint anyone, but I also don't want to sacrifice any of the powerful emotions that course through me now, positive and negative, because they make me feel alive and vibrant!
It's a conflict that I have been dealing with for some time now, and I guess the extreme ups and downs of recent days have brought it more to the forefront for me.
Some days are just better than others.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Is this supposed to be some reasonable attempt at an apology or a lame ass excuse for your behavior? All you wanted to do was shut down? What about your daughter and how SHE felt? We, as her parents need to be our children's strength. You bailed because of your own selfish bullshit which is the same thing you have always done. You ran, and left me dealing with the entire responsibility of her grieving.
ReplyDeleteYou hardly knew your "good friend", just to clarify that point. I understand how you felt the need to attend his memorial because of your common interest, but how could you NOT attend the burial of our daughter's "good friend" and our family pet? To not show support to our daughter? It was her "best friend" for Christ sakes!
Leaving your family and I to deal with the death of the dog, with no assistance from you is not acceptable, considering the fact that it was your lack of responsibility that caused the dog's death in the first place.
I held our daughter last night while she cried. She slept with me last night and she held my hand while she fell asleep. I am home today from work, taking care of our very sad little children. What exactly have you done? Have you spent ANY alone time with her?
What you did was disgraceful and you should be ashamed of yourself. We ALL have emotional turmoil about many things in our lives, you are not alone with that. You can't hide from it. I can guarantee you that if it was YOUR best friend that died, our daughter would be there for you to give you love and support.
You sir, just run and bail. You have NOT changed.
What I wanted to do was get away from you, and your comment is a perfect example as to why.
ReplyDeleteGet over it and move on. As you say, there are lots of men out there who are better than me. Go find one, and leave me alone.
Love it!.....finally, some realizem, not hearing what you like or need. You can only fool some!....
ReplyDeleteI think it was a terrible loss and that dirty laundry should be aired privately.... Just sayin folks....
ReplyDeleteYes, dirty laundry washed in Tide,that gets those stains out, not the cheap shit that stills shows the real dirt!.....looks like not everyone's a fan!
ReplyDeleteA.....You still pissin the women off....lol..."Words only have as much power as you give them."....You need that baby magic, nothing seems to faze me anymore, wish I could bottle the stuff and share it with others, but then, maybe it's just the way I feel????
ReplyDeleteWow, people here are a little PO'd to say the least.
ReplyDeleteHappy Trails to you.