My Nona "episodes"

My Nona was a beautiful woman. She was Italian. Devout Catholic, with all the prerequisite stereotypes associated with such a designation, and some issues of her own. She was fun to be with. We spent a lot of time together when I was a child and I got to know her pretty well. She tried to indoctrinate me into Catholicism but it never worked and she knew it, and on some level, I think she envied me for that. As brainwashed as she was, she could still see the "other side" but just couldn't break free of her chains. It was, in her opinion, (I think) too late for her to change. I think she was afraid that we would think her hypocritical for "changing sides" so late in life. Among other things...

Regardless, it's her "other issues" that I believe have the greatest effect on me currently. I believe that she was manic depressive, and lucky me caught some of that in the gene pool. I don't know if that is scientifically possible, but I'm gonna run with it, because there is nothing I like more than to blame my problems on my ancestors. It makes me feel good about myself. lol?

She used to go through these, "episodes", where she would go from extremely happy to extremely low, sometimes for extended periods of time. I have witnessed some of these transitions, as they occurred, and I remember thinking, even at that young age, that it was not...right. Based on my perspective, she had no real reason to effect this change in her demeanor, it seemed random to me. It was as though she couldn't control it, it would just happen. There were "triggers" of course, things that would set her off, but once those triggers were pulled she couldn't stop the bullet. She would sometimes go for days, even weeks, without talking to anyone, not even her Husband (except for the necessary communication required to maintain life), and as a result the whole Family suffered. It was a sad time for me when she went through these tribulations, because when she was happy she was brilliant! She would play guitar and sing, and her laugh was strong and infectious. I can still hear it, I miss it. I loved her dearly. Even through her "bad" times, because I used to have them too, and I had one today.

I have had these "episodes" all of my life, to varying degrees (just like her) but this is the first time that I have had one since my "enlightenment". It's...interesting. I am miserable, and angry about nothing, and fully aware that I have no reason to feel these emotions, and yet, I can't stop them. WTF?? Before, I simply accepted these events as "par for the course", it's just how I am; don't like it? Fuck off! But now, I am seeing life through a new set of eyes, and I don't like what I'm seeing right this minute. This is a short episode, mind you, and it's already beginning to fade, but I have "observed" it through my "new eyes" all day today and it wasn't pleasant. I don't like to lose control. Because of my new perspective, I had more ammunition at my disposal to fight it, but I still felt like it was a losing battle because I had to fight it. Because I couldn't control it instead. It was disheartening, to say the least.

However, it's fading now and I am learning from it. I think I am learning what my triggers are, so that I can do my best to avoid them, so that this doesn't happen to me as often in the future as it has in the past. It's been a long time since I felt this way. It's like that part of my personality was "put on hold" so I could deal with my "ailments", and now that I have, and I'm feeling better, it seems to be retuning...

Or maybe I just had a bad day.