So here we are......

Anthony & I were working on a blog at the time he passed away on Dec 1/2011.  The title above is the first words of his unfinished entry which I will post now.  It will forever remain unfinished by him however I believe I can shed some light on where he was going with it.

"So here we are, it's finally happening, or so it seems.  My current prognosis is 0-3 months, maybe 6.  Ironically enough, Christmas has become a factor once again.  My family, my friends, my smiling angel & I are still holding our heads up high.  Knowing that miracles can happen & believing it gives us all hope that OUR current situation (and it is OUR situation as we are all doing it together) could play out differently then what the Doctors have told us irrespective of the reality that is still affecting us all.

It has been quite a ride & I don't mean for it to sound like I am giving up because I am not but there are certain realities that do require facing at this juncture...."

That is as far as we got however much discussion was held between us prior to beginning the writing of the actual entry.  He wanted to let everyone know that he would not give up & he did not, not in any small way did he ever give up.  Cancer destroyed his body, it was powerless to destroy his spirit.  He wanted everyone to know he had found peace & deep love in his life in many places.  It was important to Anthony that he tell us all how strong he knew we were & he asked me to make sure that we all take care of each other (we will baby, don't you worry about that).  I am also pretty sure he asked all his friends & several of mine to take care of me too (and I am certain they will), he worried about me & all he loved with a selflessness that astounded me.  He wanted to say that he had come to terms with his cancer & the end of his life.  There was some anger, some regret but not too much of either considering what he faced on a daily basis for the last 2 years.  Some discussions were of unfairness but he never talked about how unfair it was to him, only those of us he loved.  Mostly though, in his last days when we talked, Anthony talked about living, loving, laughing, crying, sorrow & how to grieve (yes he left some instructions for us, imagine that!) and his gratefulness for his life & all of those who loved him.  He was amazed we would take on the project of caring for him at home & accepted that care gracefully.  He was surrounded by love in his last days & moments just as he should have been & I believe that love & the power of it is what allowed him to go.  He fought as long & hard as he could & he was looking forward to an end to the pain & suffering he endured daily.  He told me this & I believed him.  He was unafraid.  He had a few regrets he wanted to share even though he thought it was "kind of depressing" but it was important to him that readers see the reality so they will take steps to protect themselves and their loved ones, He regretted that he had so much more to learn & see & show & give & would not get the chance to do so, and, the fact that the ones he left behind would suffer sorrow & pain.

So that's some of what was on Anthony's mind.  Alot to digest perhaps, hopefully some good food for thought.  Stay tuned.