So here we are......

Anthony & I were working on a blog at the time he passed away on Dec 1/2011.  The title above is the first words of his unfinished entry which I will post now.  It will forever remain unfinished by him however I believe I can shed some light on where he was going with it.

"So here we are, it's finally happening, or so it seems.  My current prognosis is 0-3 months, maybe 6.  Ironically enough, Christmas has become a factor once again.  My family, my friends, my smiling angel & I are still holding our heads up high.  Knowing that miracles can happen & believing it gives us all hope that OUR current situation (and it is OUR situation as we are all doing it together) could play out differently then what the Doctors have told us irrespective of the reality that is still affecting us all.

It has been quite a ride & I don't mean for it to sound like I am giving up because I am not but there are certain realities that do require facing at this juncture...."

That is as far as we got however much discussion was held between us prior to beginning the writing of the actual entry.  He wanted to let everyone know that he would not give up & he did not, not in any small way did he ever give up.  Cancer destroyed his body, it was powerless to destroy his spirit.  He wanted everyone to know he had found peace & deep love in his life in many places.  It was important to Anthony that he tell us all how strong he knew we were & he asked me to make sure that we all take care of each other (we will baby, don't you worry about that).  I am also pretty sure he asked all his friends & several of mine to take care of me too (and I am certain they will), he worried about me & all he loved with a selflessness that astounded me.  He wanted to say that he had come to terms with his cancer & the end of his life.  There was some anger, some regret but not too much of either considering what he faced on a daily basis for the last 2 years.  Some discussions were of unfairness but he never talked about how unfair it was to him, only those of us he loved.  Mostly though, in his last days when we talked, Anthony talked about living, loving, laughing, crying, sorrow & how to grieve (yes he left some instructions for us, imagine that!) and his gratefulness for his life & all of those who loved him.  He was amazed we would take on the project of caring for him at home & accepted that care gracefully.  He was surrounded by love in his last days & moments just as he should have been & I believe that love & the power of it is what allowed him to go.  He fought as long & hard as he could & he was looking forward to an end to the pain & suffering he endured daily.  He told me this & I believed him.  He was unafraid.  He had a few regrets he wanted to share even though he thought it was "kind of depressing" but it was important to him that readers see the reality so they will take steps to protect themselves and their loved ones, He regretted that he had so much more to learn & see & show & give & would not get the chance to do so, and, the fact that the ones he left behind would suffer sorrow & pain.

So that's some of what was on Anthony's mind.  Alot to digest perhaps, hopefully some good food for thought.  Stay tuned.

Back again.

Living is a funny thing when it's the only thing you are doing.  There is a difference between simply living and actually having a life.  Being in my current condition, which is essentially, disabled, my days just flow together into one long day that never really starts or ends.  Being out of the "rat race" does some strange things to your perspective.  I`ll get back to that in a minute

A quick update on how things are going from the medical side of my life, there is little change.  I'm still sleeping like a cat (hence very little blogging, among other things) I have to use a cane to walk now, and glasses to read.  Steps are a problem, and I can`t drive right now because of my eyes, but I have been feeling an improvement in my circumstances.  It could have something to do with my current drug intake.  I just started a new treatment which is four rather large pills once daily.  So, as of today, I am consuming 39 pills every 24 hours!  (and if I don`t take them my body feels it)  This can be tricky business to stay on top of, especially with my long sleeping hours.
Sleeping through my pain killer intake is the worst for me personally but irrespective of that there are still four children that require as much attention as I can give and I also have to find time eat.  I went down to 135lbs when I was on chemo.  I am currently at 140lbs and holding.  I have been trying to increase my caloric intake with supplements and energy drinks but again, my increased need for sleep hinders my ability to stay on top of it.  There is also the fact that my appetite is weak and the numbness in my face and lips (the radiation did not work as well as hoped, also related to my eye problem) can discourage me sometimes from eating as much as I should.

It amazes me how I essentially have free reign with my 24 hour days and yet sometimes still don`t have enough time to do everything that needs doing.  We take for granted our ability to do so many things and use that ability to distract ourselves from life by keeping ourselves busy all the time so we don`t have to think about the important stuff, y'know, life, the universe, and everything.

I wanted to expound on this a little further but my eyes are just not cooperating so I'm gonna cut it short and try again later. 

Cheers to all, I hope life is being good to you.

Strange days.

The world is a different place for me now. 
My world is one of disconnection from what others might call reality. 
I am a star, but also a spectator. 
A star due to the attention given to me by Doctors, Nurses, Technologists of all kinds trying to "cure" me, and also from the attention and favour showered upon me by my loved ones. 
A spectator due to my inability to to participate in so many things that I took for granted previously.

These past several weeks I've been put through the wringer; physically, emotionally, spiritually.  There have been good moments, but overall, it's been very challenging and based on my itinerary for the next several weeks it isn't about to get any easier.  I have been radiated and chemo-ed almost to death, with little positive affect, [Not zero, but not enough for me.] and now I'm joining a clinical study to test a new drug with hopes of greater success. [Hope...hmm...sometimes I feel I'm running short on that.]  This battle has taken me to places that I never imagined.  I was...naive perhaps, maybe a little too hopeful?  I have felt my strength waning, my resolve...dissolving.  It's not been pleasant.  But...I am currently on an up swing, my strength and my resolve are growing once more, and I am going to ride that train to it's fullest, because right now, that train is all I've got.

The "Sandman" is doing overtime.

I've been sleeping since last Thursday.  I wake up long enough to pee, sometimes I can grab a bite to eat, and then down I go.  My most recent chemo treatment, which came the day before that, has been a little harder on me than most. 

According to my Doctor the chemo has successfully lowered my PSA count to a point where he is considering beginning a new form of treatment which will have less side effects.  Unfortunately it has also lowered the platelets in my blood, which apparently is the cause of my unwanted slumber.  Due to this uncontrollable need for sleep I have been unable to conduct my customary amount of research to determine how this actually works so I'm kind of flying blind right now with regards to how I'm feeling and what I might do to help rectify the situation.

I'm told that a blood transfusion is required to get my counts back up and allegedly make me feel better, so, that is where I'm going today.

I hope it works so the "sandman" can take some time off and I can stay awake for more than 45 minutes at a time.

Ah, here he is now.  Time for another nap. 

Chemo sucks!

Eleven days!  It's been eleven days since my last chemo treatment and I am only now able to stay awake for longer than six consecutive hours.  It's been  a rough ride this time around.
I know this stuff is supposed to help me, to make me better, but sometimes I wonder if it's worth it.  It knocks the shit out of me and leaves me feeling pretty low.
The battle continues...

Here comes the sun.

Radiation is done, chemo continues, summer is coming, and I feel pretty good.

I'm still a little disappointed that I haven't acquired spider powers from my experience ;-), I guess I'll just have to improvise.
I did get a pretty nifty mask out of the deal.  Maybe I should start shopping for a cape.

Bring on the summer...I can't wait!

Some heartfelt advice.

I sit, and I wonder... a lot.  [I suppose that's what happens when you get pulled out of the daily grind and your not distracted by the mundaneness that makes up most of our day to day lives.] I ponder over the infinite possibilities -the opportunities- that present themselves to us with every passing moment of our finite existence, the love that binds us together and the avarice that threatens to tear us apart, if we allow it.

This cancer that tries to grow within my shell, that tries to kill it, has been a blessing as well as a curse, on so many levels.  I have felt the joy of an outpouring of love and kindness from familiars and strangers alike.  I've had conversations and experiences that I'm sure would not have occurred if not for this "threat" that hangs over my head.  Dare I be thankful for this curse as a result of the joy that has juxtaposed itself with it?  It seems contradictory and yet... on some level I don't think that it can be avoided.  Don't get me wrong, I have known (and felt) the love and joy that we all have and are capable of sharing, long before a Doctor found a "nodule" growing on my prostate, it just seems that it takes some kind of tragedy (or impending one) for us to truly let loose and let those around us know how we really feel, about them and sometimes even ourselves.

I have claimed more than one purpose for this rambling blog of mine; education of men's health, quick and easy updates on my condition for the people who care, a place for me to vent.  Today, I think I'd like to add another...to remind people that love is a verb, not a noun.
When was the last time you, dear reader, told someone close to you that you love them?  Mother, Father, Brother, Sister, Spouse, Children, Friend?  I'll bet it's been awhile, and I think I know why; for some reason that word makes people squirm.  For that discomfort I have no explanation.  Perhaps it reminds us of feelings that we selfishly try to keep to ourselves for fear of appearing weak or vulnerable to others.  [Which is the opposite of how I think it should make us feel]  Whatever the reason for that, my advice to you is quite simple: do it anyway.

You might be surprised at just how good it makes both of you feel.

Chemotherapy, quite a ride.

I have now had two chemo treatments.  After the first one the most noticeable affect that I experienced was an irresistible urge to sleep.  All the time.  Whenever I was not eating or going to the bathroom I was sleeping.  That lasted for almost a week.  This time around was slower to start, I didn't start sleeping until well into the second day, but so far the effect is the same.  I think I may be coming out of it now [at least I hope so] so I thought I'd do a little writing to try and keep me up.

 Aside from the sleeping the chemo appears to be doing what it's supposed to do.  I have no pain, which is a big one for me.   Although, my face is almost completely numb now, making eating somewhat of a challenge, but fortunately not impossible, so it's not doing much to combat the growth in my orbital bone.  I have a series of radiation treatments coming up which will hopefully alleviate that problem.  They had to make a mask which is molded to my face in order to keep me perfectly still during the "zapping" process.  It's kinda neat, I might post a picture of it when we're done, (I get to keep it)  it might make a neat profile pic.

Spiritually I'm feeling pretty good, overall.  There is a lot of frustration from the fact that I'm weak as a kitten (and sleeping like one) and sometimes that brings me down, but I have a tremendous amount of love and support from my Friends and Family that keeps me strong and optimistic.  Sometimes I think the power of that love is more healing for me than all of these treatments and medications combined!  It certainly feels that way most of the time.  If it wasn't for that I'm sure that I would probably be dead already.  If there is one thing that I have learned from this challenging experience it's that the power of love is very real!  It should never be underestimated, or taken for granted.

I guess that's all for now.  I'm gonna have a shower and attempt to join the land of the living for a little while.  Or maybe I'll have a quick nap.  haha.

Peace. 

Pot pourri...An update, An inspiring story.

I have noticed in this life that sometimes things will get [or at least feel like they are getting] stagnant, or routine for what seems like long periods of time. But then, suddenly, there is a whirlwind of activity. Events (that are usually, but not always, out of our control) begin to occur and before you know it, change -lots of it- has touched you. Some of it is good, some of it is bad, all of it must be dealt with.

In the past 4-5 weeks a lot has happened in my life. I have traveled on an airplane for the first time, and visited a foreign country. The side effects of that trip alone have brought much change in my life. The most noticeable one, for me, is the way my relationship with my previously mentioned 15 year old Son has changed. He did not attend the trip with me and the time apart has done magical things to both of our perspectives towards each other. Our relationship since my return has been one of loving, understanding, and caring for each other in a way that we have not done (either of us) since he was much younger. [before he became a "teen-age Parent hater"] I've had lots of ups and downs with regards to my health, vomiting and fatigue (although we seem to have stopped the vomiting) I had to do another enema, it went much better than last time, but still not as much fun as say...not doing it! I've had to stop driving. My Doctor is concerned because of the blurriness I am getting as a result of the cancer in my orbital bone. So, I've had to stop working again as well and start all kinds of new tests and medications, including chemotherapy.

Chemo is an interesting treatment. There are a lot of different Doctors with their specialty knowledge that get involved to ensure that the treatment I am receiving is the best one suited for me and my unique condition. An orthopedic surgeon almost put the kibosh on my chemo because he believed that he had spotted a crack in my right hip bone on my most recent CT scan, which, if true, would require corrective surgery. But he took a plain x-ray and determined that it was okay for now and the chemo could proceed. He still wants another CT scan in 4 weeks, which kinda has me worried, but hey, take em as they come. Too much worry at one time is impossible to bear. The chemo treatment itself seems to have gone well. No adverse side effects have reared their ugly head as of yet, although I've been told to expect things like hair loss, brittle and discolored nails, mouth sores, maybe some rash, but so far all is good. Fatigue is my main battle right now. I've been sleeping like a cat ever since the treatment, more hours asleep than awake, but it feels good. I don't know how long to expect it to last, hopefully not too long, I'd like to get back into the world of activity again as soon as possible. But then there's the "quarantine". My immune system being weakened now by the chemo, I have to avoid all illness of any kind. If I get a fever I need to go directly to my nearest Hospital to be treated immediately. [Do not pass GO, do not collect $200.00.] It's pretty serious shit.


Anyways, I think I've rambled on enough and I wanted to end this post with what I think is an inspiring and heart rending story. One of those "circle of life" kinda things. Or, at the very least, another example of how (possibly) the idea of six degrees of separation is all we have.

Life really is a magical and mysterious experience. One of my very close friends recently lost his Mother to an incurable illness. A sad and tragic thing, but I'm glad that I can be here for him, to support and love him, and I hope that I have helped him through it in some small way.
On the other side of my "world" another dear and old friend of mine, one who has been struggling a little bit with finding decent employment that is also close to home, just started a new job that fits that criteria and low and behold...it's the position previously held by my first friends Mother! Astounding! (to me, at least.) It amazes me sometimes, how the energies flow, how sometimes there is familiarity in places you would never expect as voids get filled with new life.

...and now, the weather.

How can life be so contradictory?
So good and so bad at the same time?
Or, is the bad stuff simply a problem created by our own perceptions?

So, now I get into how all of this makes me feel.  Most of this is not new.  It's been tough, at times.  It's what I imagine a manic-depressive personality must live like.  The good days are so good, almost unbelievably so, and the bad days are, well...like being on rock bottom.  I've had four "emotional breakdowns" in the past few weeks.  They come without warning or provocation, and they are...unpleasant.  However, the times in between those unfortunate events are almost joyous.  I am still loving and enjoying all aspects of life and living, even the things that would normally be a nuisance to me.  Most of the time I am able to find humor in it, which brings laughter, and the laughter brings me joy.
There is a new dynamic though, one that usually finds it's way into my head and heart during times like these, the uncertain times, when there are problems with my health that make the cancer fight more real for me because I feel it, the pain, the numbness, all the physical manifestations that come with this wonderful affliction, when the cancer appears to have the upper hand.
That dynamic is this; I am afraid to make plans because I might not be able to fulfill them, and I don't want to die feeling that disappointment.  I need to make peace with myself, to be as satisfied as possible with my life, as it is and as it was, in order to lessen the despair that I know will come as my time gets closer.  Dying like this is extremely challenging.  I have all this time to think about shit like this, but not enough time to think about or plan a life.  I know that this line of thinking sounds like something a person who has "given up" might follow, but this isn't about giving up, it's about facing the reality so that I can be as prepared as is humanly possible, (for me) emotionally and mentally, for the inevitable.
I don't know that I will ever be fully prepared for, or accepting of,  my ultimate fate [in fact, I'm sure that I will never be, but, I can try] however, my primary concern is not always me, but the people that I will be "leaving behind".  My children, my lover, my friends and Family; the ones who love me as I love them.  I feel despair for them...all this time that I have to think about it, sometimes it overwhelms me.  So, I try to not think about it too much and instead try to focus on creating positive memories for them.  Good times together that can be remembered fondly.  Realistically, that is all that I can do, so I try to stick with the program and not let my fears get in the way.
There is one problem with that strategy that I am having right now though, that is weighing heavily on my heart.  My relationship with my 15 year old Son.  I have somehow managed to completely alienate him.  He lives with me, we see each other every day, but he never talks to me anymore.  He doesn't even say hello to me when he comes home from school or when I come home from work.  I know it sounds like an exaggeration but it isn't.  I don't know what to do about it.  I try to reach out to him, open some kind of dialogue, but he keeps pushing me away.  It breaks my heart to see him so angry with me all of the time, but I will not give up.  Failure is not an option here.  He is stubborn and exhausting, his perseverance and strength of will are enviable, I just wish he would use those talents for something more positive than pushing me out of his life.  I will be writing more about him soon.   



Sometimes the bad stuff is simply a problem created by our own perceptions, other times we need to change our perceptions of the bad stuff, in order to create solutions that are positive and based on love...
Or something like that.

First, the news...

A medical update: The results of the bone scan and latest bloodwork indicate that my current medication [the stuff that's supposed to be fighting the cancer] is not working as we had hoped. My options are running out. My Oncologist says that my next move is either chemotherapy or radiation.  He favors chemo, however, because of my upcoming trip he is reluctant to begin either treatment.  The radiation would have to be done in a scheduled manner which conflicts with the trip and the chemo would weaken my immune system and pose a possible threat to my health given that the Dominican doesn't have quite the same health standards as we do in North America. Nor do they have a health system that is comparable, which would increase the risk to me even further.
In light of all of this, he decided to try a new medication, something to "tide me over" until after the trip.  That transition has not gone well.  I began taking the new medication on Friday.  Saturday the pain started, similar to the pain I have described here in the past, and the numbness in my face has increased to the point where I have to be careful when I'm chewing my food or I might chew up the inside of my mouth because I can't feel it.  Last night I phoned Sunnybrook and spoke to a Doctor who was able to give me a new regimen for pain control based on the meds that I currently have, and so far, it appears to be working, which is good, because I really hate the fucking pain.  I am currently waiting for a phone call from my oncologist.  He will probably adjust the dosage of my new meds and I will watch for (and record) any changes that occur.
The battle [which is feeling more like an experiment than a fight] will continue.

So, there's the news...the weather is next. Stay tuned.

The battle continues.

Life is busy.  A lot has happened in my life, and to me, in the past several weeks.  The Holidays were spectacular.  [I got lots of quality time, with quality people.]  I inspired a friend to get "checked out" based on some symptoms he has been having. [Because ignoring it is just not an option with me.] My Brother has invited me on a trip to the Dominican, and I have accepted.  My first plane trip.  [Planes scare the shit out of me, but I'm going.]  I lost a friend, who was two years younger than me, to complications from a blood clot in his leg.  [Attending the celebration of his life was...interesting] And of course my battle continues to rage on.

Last week I woke up with numbness in my face.  I didn't think much of it until the following day.  I was talking to my Oncologist about the trip, to see if he had any special concerns that I should be aware of, and he asked me if I had experienced any changes in my condition.  When I told him about the numbness he told me to come in to see him right away.  He thinks the cancer in my right orbital bone is spreading and pinching nerves in my skull.  He scheduled me for another bone scan [Which I had last Thursday, no results yet] and noted that my psa levels are going back up.  If his suspicions are correct then it means my meds have stopped working -again- and there are only two options: chemo or radiation. [maybe both?]    I don't like the idea of either treatment for several reasons, but the most immediate one is that either treatment would require me to take quite a bit of time off work, and that makes things pretty tight around here.  There has also been some pain, but so far, it is manageable.

Lots of ups and downs. 
I feel a rant coming, but not tonight.  Maybe after I get the test results.