memento mori

Just when I thought things might be getting a little better.

Two weeks ago I had a series of CT scans and an MRI.  The purpose of these tests was to determine the effect that the cancer is having on my spine.  I have been experiencing some numbness/tingling in my fingertips and toes for a few weeks now, maybe over a month, I can't keep track of all this shit anymore.  The concern my Doctors had previous to the testing is the degenerative nature of the cancer in my bones and it's effect on my spinal cord as the bones deteriorate.  The question was, will it affect my mobility in the future, the use of my legs and possibly my arms.  The test results (which I just discussed with my Oncologist an hour ago) have given us an answer.  It is no longer a question of if, but when!  My legs for certain, my arms are still a maybe.  Given the way things have been working out for me I could guess which way the arm thing will go, but I should stay positive, right?
WTF!!  
There is a series of treatments that they already started me on which will, in theory, help me to maintain my mobility for as long as possible, but of course they can't say for how long. 
This is becoming more difficult for me to deal with on a week to week basis, even day to day is becoming problematic, including right now!  I am fucking pissed off!  Why is it always bad news?  It makes me feel like giving up and just letting it happen, but I can't do that because there are too many people who would not allow me to make that decision. 
Maybe it's time that people start to realize that it's not their decision to make, or maybe my anger is clouding my judgement.  Either way, it would seem that I have a lot to think about.

Just another selfish rant.

How the fuck did I get here?

How does a person like me -young, strong, practically a "health nut" when it comes to diet and exercise- fall prey to a cancer that is so aggressive it requires a daily effort to keep it at bay?  The only thing keeping me alive right now is modern Medicine.  If I had been born 1 generation earlier, my death would probably have come in my 41st year.  Is this natural selection?  Have I pissed off Mother Earth so strongly that she feels the need to take me out?  What the fuck did I do that was so bad? 

Science keeps me around.  For what?
Since I have had this death sentence imposed upon me I have been inspired to live my life with a passion that cannot be ignored.  One example of that is that I love every person that I know in a way that I used to take for granted.  I've been trying to nurture relationships with a lot of those people in a way that I probably never would have previously.  Some have been successful.  Some, not so much...but I'm still working on them, which brings me back to my point; for what?   So they can mourn me even more after I'm gone?  Am I not just adding to their grief?  Why has Science given me this "extra time"?  What am I supposed to do with it?

Sometimes I feel like nature doesn't accept me anymore because I'm not actually supposed to be here, and as a result, I find myself feeling...uncomfortable...or maybe uneasy is a better word.  I'm not sure, I can't quite peg it, I just feel...off.  Like I don't belong in this picture right now.  I'm out of place. 

I am living and loving to the fullest extent possible [and loving every minute of it] but by doing so I feel like I am somehow taking advantage of these people, the ones I care about the most.
I want to get over that because I love them and I don't like the way I feel when I think about what they will be going through after I die, but I want to get closer to them so I can spend more time with them before I go, and that makes me feel...selfish.
I don't want to hurt anyone.