I've been feeling rather...melancholy in recent days. Maybe it's because of all the uncertainty that exists with regards to my treatments (or lack thereof) and current prognosis. Maybe it's the fear of what's going to happen to my kids in the future. Perhaps it's because my most recent PSA test shows my levels are back into triple digits -103- doubled in less than a month. Whatever it is, I have found the resulting hindsight that I have been experiencing to be almost frightening in it's clarity, so, the wordy fuck is back.
I was reading back on this blog recently and I realized that, although I touched on it, I never really described in detail the very first symptoms that I felt leading up to my diagnosis. These "symptoms" were hardly noticeable events that occurred in such a way that I simply chalked them up to getting older and it was just part of that natural process for me, based on my genetics. However, had I recognized what they actually meant and been checked back then, I could have been treated for it and I wouldn't be in this situation right now. I would have been one of the "lucky" ones who caught it before it was too late. I thought it would be in keeping with my desire to help prevent this shit from happening to other people like me if I shared the true genesis of this blessed situation, the small stuff that I ignored until it was too late, so that someone else can hopefully count themselves as one of the lucky ones. I think it's useful information because anyone reading this who recognizes these symptoms in themselves will hopefully do something about it, and I think it's important information because these things were happening to me when I was 35 or 36 years old! Quite a bit younger than the statistics would have you believe that you should be concerned about such things. Also a bit younger than I had originally thought my symptoms started. Like I said, frightening clarity.
I can't remember exactly when the first "event" took place because I didn't think that much of it at the time so I never recorded it anywhere, but I do remember what it was, and I know that I was in my mid-thirties because it happened within a few months (maybe a year, tops) after having moved into my current home.
The very first time I felt something wrong was after a Beaches Jazz festival weekend in 2003 or 2004. I don't remember much about the festival itself, due to the amount of alcohol consumption that took place, but I do remember waking up on Sunday feeling like someone had shoved a baseball up my ass and I couldn't get it out. [I also vomited that morning, which I have never done in my drinking career. I have always done it at night before passing out, it makes the spins go away. I'm not sure if it's relevant, but I thought I'd note it anyway...just in case.] My prostate was so swollen that it was impossible for me to have a bowel movement. I tried, I could feel the need to shit, but nothing could get past that fucking baseball. The problem lasted for about 24 hours, then it went away and I felt fine. Then it happened again. It occurred every once in awhile over the course of several months, not every time I drank, but only when I had been drinking. Then it started happening randomly, irrespective of whether I had been drinking or not, and more often. This is when the urinary problems began. Urgent and frequent need to piss, but a weak flow when it came. It wasn't that bad in the beginning, I thought perhaps I was drinking too much, so I stopped for a few months. It didn't help. I also started having erectile dysfunction. I found that to be a little emasculating and very embarrassing, but Viagra took care of that little problem (quite well in fact) so I didn't worry about that too much. By this time I had done some research and knew that it was my prostate that was "acting up", but again, I was too young to worry about it being cancer, that shit only happens to old people, right?
Right...
I got that attitude partially from listening to the media ads on T.V. and radio that encouraged men my age to go for the old "finger swoop up the shoot". Shitty propaganda because it made you feel like; "Yeah, sure, that's probably a good idea, but I feel fine. Maybe next year." (we used to be inundated with them, but I don't recall having heard or seen one for some time now. Hmm.) Also, from talking to other people about it, including my Family Doctor. A note here: I do not hold my Doctor responsible for this in even the smallest way. He was simply following standard protocols, which are based on statistics and of course the desire to save the taxpayers a little money by not having expensive testing done when the numbers don't warrant it. Bone scans, CT scans, biopsies, all of these things are quite costly. What I blame is those protocols! That is where change is needed, and the only people who can change them is us! The patients! The people who use and rely on this system to keep us healthy and alive for as long as possible.
If YOU, reading this right now, have ever felt anything that resembles what I just described above, you must go to your Family Doctor TODAY and demand a PSA test and get a D.R.E. (Digital Rectal Exam). Not tomorrow, not next week...TODAY!! He/she may hesitate and tell you that you are too young for that, that it's probably something minor like Prostatitis, and they may be right, but, what if they're wrong? Why would you want to take that chance? DON'T take that chance! I did, and look at what it got me. If your Doctor won't do it, tell them my story, or go to another Doctor. I know, the idea of somebody putting their finger up your ass is not very appealing, (to most people anyway) but if it means the difference between seeing your kids grow up (Maybe even see some grand-children) or not? It's a small inconvenience. And, yes, if you have no Family history of cancer, the PSA test will cost you $35.00. Too much? Then think about this; how much money did you spend on Timmys last month? Or beer? Or cigarettes? Weed? Lotteries? Whatever your "thing" is that makes you feel good, but if you didn't have it, it wouldn't kill you? Would it?
Cancer will kill you, IF you allow it to arrive unannounced.
If you're that uncomfortable with your own masculinity and/or too cheap to spend $35.00 on something that might save your life, then, in my estimation, you deserve to die. [Bitter much? Yeah, maybe.] If, however, you can be strong enough to see past all that bullshit, you could spare the people around you, the ones who love you, a lot of pain and heartache. Not to mention the primary benefit to you; remaining upright and breathing for as long as possible.
I don't want to become some kind of preaching fanatic, but this shit is really starting to piss me off! Every time I go to the cancer centre for treatment I see more and more people my age (or younger) being treated for a disease that we just shouldn't have. It's a fucking epidemic and I want to try to do something about it. So, I am begging, pleading with you, dear reader; do NOT ignore your body's signals that something is wrong. The modern world is exposing us to more cancer causing agents than ever before in our history. From the air that we breath to the food that we eat, we are ALL at risk! Age is irrelevant. Early detection is our only savior at this point.
Take advantage of that, while you still can.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Radiation therapy
I've had yet another experience that is unique to people who have been blessed with cancer.
I had a radiation treatment on October 7th. It was interesting, and a little scary. The procedure itself was not nearly as invasive as the biopsy was, but it was equally thorough.
They line you up with lasers and mark "cross-hairs" on your skin before you get sent to the actual machine that they use to expose you to the radiation. It's very precise. They can irradiate very specific body parts and regions. I didn't see any spiders so I don't think there's much chance of me becoming Spider-man, but one can always hope.
The pain has been far too much for me to deal with so I had to do something to try and improve my quality of life and my Doctors have assured me that the radiation will diminish the pain. So far, their predictions have proven true. Even more than they predicted, and sooner. I was told that I would feel the effects in as little as two weeks or possibly after four but I felt a positive change in the pain almost immediately. The next day it began to lessen and as of now I'm almost entirely off of my pain medication. I still need a little bit, usually in the mornings and the evenings, but I'd estimate my consumption overall to be less than half of what I was taking two weeks ago. There are, however, other side effects which I was told would be felt mostly in the beginning and then would taper off but I have only just started to feel those side effects in the past two or three days. Not much appetite, vomiting, nausea, diarrhea, y'know...the usual suspects. Overall I would call the treatment a success.
November 1st we decide which therapy to try that will have more long term effects, like the hormone therapy was supposed to do. As long as it keeps the pain at bay I'll be happy.
I had a radiation treatment on October 7th. It was interesting, and a little scary. The procedure itself was not nearly as invasive as the biopsy was, but it was equally thorough.
They line you up with lasers and mark "cross-hairs" on your skin before you get sent to the actual machine that they use to expose you to the radiation. It's very precise. They can irradiate very specific body parts and regions. I didn't see any spiders so I don't think there's much chance of me becoming Spider-man, but one can always hope.
The pain has been far too much for me to deal with so I had to do something to try and improve my quality of life and my Doctors have assured me that the radiation will diminish the pain. So far, their predictions have proven true. Even more than they predicted, and sooner. I was told that I would feel the effects in as little as two weeks or possibly after four but I felt a positive change in the pain almost immediately. The next day it began to lessen and as of now I'm almost entirely off of my pain medication. I still need a little bit, usually in the mornings and the evenings, but I'd estimate my consumption overall to be less than half of what I was taking two weeks ago. There are, however, other side effects which I was told would be felt mostly in the beginning and then would taper off but I have only just started to feel those side effects in the past two or three days. Not much appetite, vomiting, nausea, diarrhea, y'know...the usual suspects. Overall I would call the treatment a success.
November 1st we decide which therapy to try that will have more long term effects, like the hormone therapy was supposed to do. As long as it keeps the pain at bay I'll be happy.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Thanksgiving
I like Thanksgiving. I am more aware now than ever before of just how much I have to be thankful for. The fact that we, as a society, (in the Western world at least, but it is catching on) have set aside a special day to do just that gives me a glimmer of hope that maybe we won't eventually blow ourselves up or simply destroy the planet so that it can no longer sustain us. It is just a glimmer, but it is hope. However, I digress.
I have come to appreciate so many things that I had previously taken for granted. So many, in fact, that I couldn't even begin to list them all here, but I would like to touch on a few.
The sound and sight of children playing. Laughing and exploring, finding sticks to burn (and play with) in the fire. It's spectacular! I love it! Everything is new to them! Their innocence is invigorating (and often comical) to observe. To see the joy on their faces when they discover something for the first time, like the fact that you can write letters in the air with the smoke from a smoldering stick if you make the motions at just the right speed, and then watch them disappear into the air as you draw your next one to spell a word. (usually peoples names) That genuine happiness that they are feeling in those moments is so...heart warming. It reminds me that life such is a precious gift. There are so many things in life that can bring us joy, even when we are "down", if we could just stop to look at them, as if for the first time.
The stars. I was in Haliburton this weekend. The night sky away from the light pollution of a city is brilliant with stars. The stars I grew up staring at for hours at a time because I was dazzled by them. I don't see them nearly enough anymore (well, sometimes Tuesdays) and being exposed to them for two nights in a row has made me...remember. Remember that innocent feeling of discovery that I felt back then. It's a good feeling.
My Family. Family is a powerful thing, especially if you have a good Family. A Family that loves and cares about each other unconditionally, without judgement or malice. They all live their lives, their lifestyles, with different ideas and belief systems but when they are together they are...Family. Nothing else matters. I have a good Family.
All of that is tied together by one thing, something that I touched upon recently in a previous post; love. I am most thankful for that. It is, as I said, the most precious gift that we can get, and I am thankful to be the recipient of so much of it, from friends and Family alike.
For that, I say... Thank you.
I have come to appreciate so many things that I had previously taken for granted. So many, in fact, that I couldn't even begin to list them all here, but I would like to touch on a few.
The sound and sight of children playing. Laughing and exploring, finding sticks to burn (and play with) in the fire. It's spectacular! I love it! Everything is new to them! Their innocence is invigorating (and often comical) to observe. To see the joy on their faces when they discover something for the first time, like the fact that you can write letters in the air with the smoke from a smoldering stick if you make the motions at just the right speed, and then watch them disappear into the air as you draw your next one to spell a word. (usually peoples names) That genuine happiness that they are feeling in those moments is so...heart warming. It reminds me that life such is a precious gift. There are so many things in life that can bring us joy, even when we are "down", if we could just stop to look at them, as if for the first time.
The stars. I was in Haliburton this weekend. The night sky away from the light pollution of a city is brilliant with stars. The stars I grew up staring at for hours at a time because I was dazzled by them. I don't see them nearly enough anymore (well, sometimes Tuesdays) and being exposed to them for two nights in a row has made me...remember. Remember that innocent feeling of discovery that I felt back then. It's a good feeling.
My Family. Family is a powerful thing, especially if you have a good Family. A Family that loves and cares about each other unconditionally, without judgement or malice. They all live their lives, their lifestyles, with different ideas and belief systems but when they are together they are...Family. Nothing else matters. I have a good Family.
All of that is tied together by one thing, something that I touched upon recently in a previous post; love. I am most thankful for that. It is, as I said, the most precious gift that we can get, and I am thankful to be the recipient of so much of it, from friends and Family alike.
For that, I say... Thank you.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
The battle rages on.
I have had a pretty busy appointment schedule in the last couple of weeks. I am beginning to think I could get a job as a greeter at Sunnybrook giving directions to the "clientele", I've become that familiar with the place. [I could use the money to cover the cost of parking.]
Bone scans, C. T. scans, bloodwork, radiation therapy (more on that later)...it seems never ending. I can see why it's called "fighting cancer", it is an exhaustive (and exhausting) series of attacks and defensive maneuvers, trying to keep me alive, and my quality of life at an acceptable standard with regards to pain control. We are stepping things up a bit right now in order to find the next (and best) course of therapy since we discovered that the hormone therapy I was on is no longer effective. My current prognosis is 2 years, plus or minus a few months. It doesn't sound good, I know, but that estimate is based on statistical data compiled from cases that are similar to mine, and the majority of those cases were men 60 years and older, so my age could (and should) be a factor that makes a difference. Our goal right now is to drive that number up by finding the best form of treatment for me, something that will "stick".
There is a case study coming up in the next few weeks that I qualify for and has had a lot of positive results at other institutions but my Oncologist is concerned that I might end up with the placebo so he wants to have an alternative "on the ready" just in case, hence all the testing. In the meantime, tomorrow I get radiation treatment that's designed to alleviate the pain. Unfortunately for me, the way it works means that the pain will actually increase for a short time, maybe a couple of days, before it gets better. (Yay! More pain! Can't wait!) As long as it eventually works the way it's supposed to then I consider it a small, if uncomfortable, price to pay.
Other than all of that, Thanksgiving is coming, and I have a feeling that it's going to be a very special one for me, given that I am so much more aware of all that I have to be thankful for. I am very much looking forward to spending the weekend up north with my Family.
I may even write a blog about it.
Bone scans, C. T. scans, bloodwork, radiation therapy (more on that later)...it seems never ending. I can see why it's called "fighting cancer", it is an exhaustive (and exhausting) series of attacks and defensive maneuvers, trying to keep me alive, and my quality of life at an acceptable standard with regards to pain control. We are stepping things up a bit right now in order to find the next (and best) course of therapy since we discovered that the hormone therapy I was on is no longer effective. My current prognosis is 2 years, plus or minus a few months. It doesn't sound good, I know, but that estimate is based on statistical data compiled from cases that are similar to mine, and the majority of those cases were men 60 years and older, so my age could (and should) be a factor that makes a difference. Our goal right now is to drive that number up by finding the best form of treatment for me, something that will "stick".
There is a case study coming up in the next few weeks that I qualify for and has had a lot of positive results at other institutions but my Oncologist is concerned that I might end up with the placebo so he wants to have an alternative "on the ready" just in case, hence all the testing. In the meantime, tomorrow I get radiation treatment that's designed to alleviate the pain. Unfortunately for me, the way it works means that the pain will actually increase for a short time, maybe a couple of days, before it gets better. (Yay! More pain! Can't wait!) As long as it eventually works the way it's supposed to then I consider it a small, if uncomfortable, price to pay.
Other than all of that, Thanksgiving is coming, and I have a feeling that it's going to be a very special one for me, given that I am so much more aware of all that I have to be thankful for. I am very much looking forward to spending the weekend up north with my Family.
I may even write a blog about it.
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