As I continue with this adventure that we call life, I am still amazed at how some things just sort of come together at the strangest times and places.
Here I am fighting for my life, fighting a battle that will continue for my remaining days on this planet. [A battle that I hope lasts for a very long time.] It cause me a lot of pain and I know it will ultimately not end in my favor, and yet, in the midst of it I have found something that makes my life better than I had ever imagined it could be.
I have found love.
The kind of love that I never dreamed was possible. Strong, true, and unconditional. Love that I had believed (until now) could only occur in Families, through blood. I have never felt so much passion for another human being as I do right now, so much comfort, so much joy, for a very special woman who feels the same thing for me. It's a strange feeling to be going through the kind of tribulation that I am right now and still feel like I'm the luckiest man alive! I wish that everyone could find what we have found. It's the most amazing thing ever! Everyone should be so fortunate as to find this kind of happiness and I can't believe that I almost didn't let it happen! I owe a tremendous debt of gratitude to all of the people who advised me to take the chance, irrespective of my fears, (you know who you are) to all of you I say; thank you. From the bottom of my heart, I thank you for helping to convince me that I should not let an opportunity like this pass me by, regardless of my current health concerns.
K and I have marveled at what we have together and discussed it at great length. We have determined that the key, or secret if you will, to our happiness is really quite simple; we love each other for the people that we are, not for the "potential" that we may see in each other for change that would allegedly make things even better between us. In the past, we have both been guilty of nurturing relationships with people that were essentially based on the hope that if we stuck around long enough we could eventually effect change in the other person, we could "fix" them, if just given enough time. It's a common mistake, many people make it, but we seem to have learned from those experiences and also are lucky enough to not really want to change each other anyway. We accept and love each other "as is". Faults (which are few) and strengths (which are many) combined. We have a mutual respect and trust for each other that is almost scary. There is no jealousy, there is no judgement, there is no selfishness. There is only love and companionship.
I believe that love is the most powerful force on this earth! It is so powerful that we often find ourselves being afraid to discuss it or uncomfortable even saying it. Think about it; when was the last time you told someone who is close to you in your life that you love them? I'm not just talking about significant others, I'm talking about your Parents, your Children, your Friends. The people that matter to you. If it's been a while then you should start doing it. Take it from me, it feels good. It brings people together in a way that nothing else can. I feel it from (and return it to) all of my friends and Family. It gives us strength and inspires us to live our lives to the fullest. It's the closest thing to magic that we have in this plane of existence.
It makes us smile, it makes us frown. It makes us laugh and it makes us cry.
Maybe it can even cure cancer.
I am grateful to have so much love in my life. I believe that without it, I might already be dead.
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Monday, September 20, 2010
My dark place
Pain.
It can do strange things to the mind. I can see why torture is such a popular means of extracting information from people, because you can get a lot of cooperation from a person if you hold the ability to make it stop.
Pain.
The kind of pain that courses through your bones, the very core of your being, constant and uncaring. That kind of pain makes things run through your mind that you never imagined you might think.
Hurtful things.
Angry things.
Scary things.
Things that I was going to write about but changed my mind because I don't want to be reminded of them later.
I just want it to go away.
It can do strange things to the mind. I can see why torture is such a popular means of extracting information from people, because you can get a lot of cooperation from a person if you hold the ability to make it stop.
Pain.
The kind of pain that courses through your bones, the very core of your being, constant and uncaring. That kind of pain makes things run through your mind that you never imagined you might think.
Hurtful things.
Angry things.
Scary things.
Things that I was going to write about but changed my mind because I don't want to be reminded of them later.
I just want it to go away.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Starting over, Redux. (and a little bitching)
It's been two days since my visit to the oncologist.
The battle is indeed beginning again.
He has scheduled me for a new round of tests. Bone scan, MRI, x-rays and lots of blood work, in order to determine exactly where I stand with regards to the growth of my cancer.
Due to the nature of hormone refractory cancer he has told me to stop taking my daily hormone pill because at this stage it's likely that the pills are actually feeding my cancer instead of arresting it, which means one of the things that was previously helping to keep me alive is now killing me. [*sigh*] He wants me to continue with my quarterly shots because a sudden influx of testosterone would also be problematic, for the same reason.[**sigh**] On a somewhat lighter note; he almost had a heart attack when I told him how much Advil I've been taking, [The look on his face was priceless] says it bad for my kidneys, so he told me to stop taking that too, or at least so much of it. That's a problem because up to this point the only thing that has been keeping the pain at bay is the Advil. After I've allowed my body a little break from it I'm going to try taking the prescribed amount only, (in conjunction with the pain killers) with the hope that it will still have some effect. I'm not very optimistic about that, there is a reason why I was taking so many of them, but I have to try everything that I can. He gave me a prescription for a low dosage morphine pill (the oxy's make me drowsy. I can't take them and function during the day) which I have been experimenting with to determine how much I need to battle the pain. The past two days have not been very pleasant for me but I think I'm getting closer to the correct dosage now. Today is better than yesterday was, I figure I should have it just about right within the next day or two, I hope. The thing is, pain killers don't get rid of the pain for me, they only lessen it, just make it more bearable. The constant pain gets pretty frustrating after a very short time, but it's part of the fight so I am digging in and hoping for the strength required to deal with it. I have a very good "support group" in my friends and Family, they all help a lot.
My Doctor and I discussed a few of options that could be available to me, none of which can begin until after the test results have come in, which means that pain has now become my constant companion, again. [Welcome back, "friend", you were not missed.] One of them is a new, stronger form of hormone therapy. Another is something called Zoledronic acid. It's given by intravenous infusion into the bloodstream over 15 minutes and usually done every three or four weeks. It's used to help strengthen bones and help relieve bone pain. There is also a radiation treatment that can get rid of the pain but due to it's nature it can only be done in one area of my body, once, which makes the test results an integral part of any decision to move forward. We need to know exactly where to attack the first, and only, time. It's a one shot deal.
I guess that's it as far as an update. I'm not quite sure how I feel about all of this (other than a little overwhelmed) but I'm sure I will have all kinds of things to say about it in the future, once it's sunk in a little.
After all, I am still a wordy fuck. I'm pretty sure that part of my life isn't going to change.
The battle is indeed beginning again.
He has scheduled me for a new round of tests. Bone scan, MRI, x-rays and lots of blood work, in order to determine exactly where I stand with regards to the growth of my cancer.
Due to the nature of hormone refractory cancer he has told me to stop taking my daily hormone pill because at this stage it's likely that the pills are actually feeding my cancer instead of arresting it, which means one of the things that was previously helping to keep me alive is now killing me. [*sigh*] He wants me to continue with my quarterly shots because a sudden influx of testosterone would also be problematic, for the same reason.[**sigh**] On a somewhat lighter note; he almost had a heart attack when I told him how much Advil I've been taking, [The look on his face was priceless] says it bad for my kidneys, so he told me to stop taking that too, or at least so much of it. That's a problem because up to this point the only thing that has been keeping the pain at bay is the Advil. After I've allowed my body a little break from it I'm going to try taking the prescribed amount only, (in conjunction with the pain killers) with the hope that it will still have some effect. I'm not very optimistic about that, there is a reason why I was taking so many of them, but I have to try everything that I can. He gave me a prescription for a low dosage morphine pill (the oxy's make me drowsy. I can't take them and function during the day) which I have been experimenting with to determine how much I need to battle the pain. The past two days have not been very pleasant for me but I think I'm getting closer to the correct dosage now. Today is better than yesterday was, I figure I should have it just about right within the next day or two, I hope. The thing is, pain killers don't get rid of the pain for me, they only lessen it, just make it more bearable. The constant pain gets pretty frustrating after a very short time, but it's part of the fight so I am digging in and hoping for the strength required to deal with it. I have a very good "support group" in my friends and Family, they all help a lot.
My Doctor and I discussed a few of options that could be available to me, none of which can begin until after the test results have come in, which means that pain has now become my constant companion, again. [Welcome back, "friend", you were not missed.] One of them is a new, stronger form of hormone therapy. Another is something called Zoledronic acid. It's given by intravenous infusion into the bloodstream over 15 minutes and usually done every three or four weeks. It's used to help strengthen bones and help relieve bone pain. There is also a radiation treatment that can get rid of the pain but due to it's nature it can only be done in one area of my body, once, which makes the test results an integral part of any decision to move forward. We need to know exactly where to attack the first, and only, time. It's a one shot deal.
I guess that's it as far as an update. I'm not quite sure how I feel about all of this (other than a little overwhelmed) but I'm sure I will have all kinds of things to say about it in the future, once it's sunk in a little.
After all, I am still a wordy fuck. I'm pretty sure that part of my life isn't going to change.
Monday, September 6, 2010
Starting over.
Well...here I go again. It's been some time since I felt the need to use this outlet to assist me in dealing with my "issues" because overall (with the exception of a few weak moments) life has been very good for me. However...
It seems pretty clear at this time that the hormone therapy has indeed stopped working for me. The pain is coming back. It's not as bad as it was...yet, but it's coming. I can feel it. I'm taking 12 to 16 extra strength Advil every day, plus 2 Oxy-codone tablets at night to help me sleep. ( More on that later.) It works quite well right now, as far as managing the pain, but it's not doing anything to help prevent my ultimate and untimely demise.
I have an appointment with my Oncologist on Sept 10th to discuss treatment options and I have been doing some research. Right now I'm still optimistic about the future, but that could change depending on what happens on the 10th. I'm more than a little disappointed that the hormone therapy isn't working for me, especially since it started so well and it's so non-intrusive. A pill every day and a needle every three months, who can't handle that? It takes 9-12 months of treatment before it can be determined with any kind of certainty that the therapy is truly working the way it should. I counted my chickens before they hatched. I have to stop doing that.
I'll be posting updates. Meanwhile...
It has been a spectacular summer! I have been busier than a one legged man in an ass kicking contest! It's been good, but, because of the hectic, busy, and often repetitive lifestyle I've been living, it has prevented me from doing some of the things that I had planned to do, seeing some of the people that I want to see, but I'm pretty sure I still have time for that. (Hmmm.)
I have been so busy that I've sacrificed quite a bit of sleep. I average about 4 hours a night, when I do sleep. Sometimes I stay awake for so long that when sleep actually does come it's more like my body shutting down than rest, and I never sleep for more than six hours, no matter how long I've been awake. I don't do it intentionally, I do try to sleep but something inside me overrides that natural instinct and I decided to ride it out and see what I might learn from it. Some people call me a vampire, others call me a fruit bat (nicknames... pshaw) I prefer to call it...living! I feel more alive when I'm awake.
It's kinda funny actually; I spent a long time at the beginning of this "ordeal" yearning for sleep. Sleep that was being taken away from me by the pain, but as soon as the pain was taken away something else started to steal my sleep from me...the desire to experience. The desire to be conscious and aware at all times, to live and experience life as it occurs around me. I don't want to miss anything. I've become the person that people call late at night when they can't sleep, because they know that I will be awake. It's an amazing feeling, being there for your friends in the dark hours when they need someone to talk to. Sometimes I offer advice, but usually I just listen, because really, at the heart of it, that's all anybody truly wants...an ear, someone they can talk to without fear of reproach. They always feel better afterwords, and usually come to their own solutions because they are saying it out loud instead of just thinking it. It gives them a different perspective. I like that I can provide that outlet for them. It makes me feel useful in some way, helpful to the people I care about.
My life continues to be an amazing and excellent adventure, filled with vibrant and loving characteristics. I may have my "down" moments but I have not lost sight of the appreciation that I have for everything!
I think that I've heard it said; living is easy, it's life that's the challenge. Although it seems that life and living are becoming a challenge for me, I'm up for it, because both are too good to just give up without a fight.
It seems pretty clear at this time that the hormone therapy has indeed stopped working for me. The pain is coming back. It's not as bad as it was...yet, but it's coming. I can feel it. I'm taking 12 to 16 extra strength Advil every day, plus 2 Oxy-codone tablets at night to help me sleep. ( More on that later.) It works quite well right now, as far as managing the pain, but it's not doing anything to help prevent my ultimate and untimely demise.
I have an appointment with my Oncologist on Sept 10th to discuss treatment options and I have been doing some research. Right now I'm still optimistic about the future, but that could change depending on what happens on the 10th. I'm more than a little disappointed that the hormone therapy isn't working for me, especially since it started so well and it's so non-intrusive. A pill every day and a needle every three months, who can't handle that? It takes 9-12 months of treatment before it can be determined with any kind of certainty that the therapy is truly working the way it should. I counted my chickens before they hatched. I have to stop doing that.
I'll be posting updates. Meanwhile...
It has been a spectacular summer! I have been busier than a one legged man in an ass kicking contest! It's been good, but, because of the hectic, busy, and often repetitive lifestyle I've been living, it has prevented me from doing some of the things that I had planned to do, seeing some of the people that I want to see, but I'm pretty sure I still have time for that. (Hmmm.)
I have been so busy that I've sacrificed quite a bit of sleep. I average about 4 hours a night, when I do sleep. Sometimes I stay awake for so long that when sleep actually does come it's more like my body shutting down than rest, and I never sleep for more than six hours, no matter how long I've been awake. I don't do it intentionally, I do try to sleep but something inside me overrides that natural instinct and I decided to ride it out and see what I might learn from it. Some people call me a vampire, others call me a fruit bat (nicknames... pshaw) I prefer to call it...living! I feel more alive when I'm awake.
It's kinda funny actually; I spent a long time at the beginning of this "ordeal" yearning for sleep. Sleep that was being taken away from me by the pain, but as soon as the pain was taken away something else started to steal my sleep from me...the desire to experience. The desire to be conscious and aware at all times, to live and experience life as it occurs around me. I don't want to miss anything. I've become the person that people call late at night when they can't sleep, because they know that I will be awake. It's an amazing feeling, being there for your friends in the dark hours when they need someone to talk to. Sometimes I offer advice, but usually I just listen, because really, at the heart of it, that's all anybody truly wants...an ear, someone they can talk to without fear of reproach. They always feel better afterwords, and usually come to their own solutions because they are saying it out loud instead of just thinking it. It gives them a different perspective. I like that I can provide that outlet for them. It makes me feel useful in some way, helpful to the people I care about.
My life continues to be an amazing and excellent adventure, filled with vibrant and loving characteristics. I may have my "down" moments but I have not lost sight of the appreciation that I have for everything!
I think that I've heard it said; living is easy, it's life that's the challenge. Although it seems that life and living are becoming a challenge for me, I'm up for it, because both are too good to just give up without a fight.
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