I had forgotten how busy things get in the summer. Life moves much faster. Everyone is making plans, wanting to squeeze the maximum amount of fun out of the two measly months of good weather that we actually get in this Country. It's like the whole Country has become a madhouse of activity. It's fascinating to observe. I never really took much notice in it before, but I do now.
It's been a good summer so far. I've had lots of good times with my kids, some good friends, started a new job working with good people, and I found true love. Love with a woman who
gets me, who loves me for the person that I
am and not the person that
she thinks I
could be if I just "tried harder". Life has been very good and I have been loving it!
So much so, that I had almost forgotten about the cancer. My treatments were working well, I felt good; I was "back", I had won!
I am a fool.
My most recent quarterly shot/P.S.A. test was on July 22. The results were...less than favorable. My previous test, in April, revealed a dramatic decrease in my P.S.A. levels, down to less than 1, which is still not perfect but it's damn close. A perfect score of zero appeared to be imminent. I was on top of the world! I was so positive that everything was going to be okay that when the back pain started 3 weeks ago I just chalked it up to working too hard and not sleeping enough, which I still believe to be true to some degree, but some of it feels all too familiar and I'm frightened by it because it coincides with an increase in my P.S.A. levels, which are now at 23. That result means that I have most likely entered into what is called the
hormone-refractory stage of my type of prostate cancer. It is the inevitable end that occurs when you are on hormone therapy but often it works for years before the cancer cells become hormone resistant, I was hoping to be one of those cases -counting on it actually- but it doesn't appear to be in the cards for me. I am doing one more 3 month cycle. If my symptoms get worse and/or my P.S.A. levels don't come down then my only option is chemotherapy. I am not looking forward to that.
I have spent the last few days trying to convince myself (and a few other people) that this is just a bump in the road, a "glitch in the matrix" kinda thing, but the more I research [I read medical journals. Sometimes it hurts my tiny brain, but I prefer scientific explanation over emotional speculation.] the more convinced I become that the hormone-refractory stage has begun. So what does that mean for me? It means that a new battle is about to begin, one that involves me going through a lot of pain and discomfort. That's the part that I'm frightened of. I accepted the concept of death a long time ago, even before the cancer. I would like to avoid it for as long as possible, of course, and I'm pretty pissed off at the prospect of having my life cut short by something I can't control, but I am aware of it's inevitability. What frightens me is the pain. The fucking pain! I abhor it! I don't know if I can do it again, but I have to try because I have too much to live for. Now, more than ever.
So, let the "games" begin! I'm gonna kick this shit right in it's ass!! It's my body, I still have some control. My opponent is formidable but I am not weak and no fucking way am I going down without a fight!
In other news...I'm back to smoking cigarettes (big surprise). But hey, nobody likes a quitter, and if there is one thing that I'm not, it's that.
