I quit smoking today. I'm wearing a patch that's pumping 21mg's of nicotine into my bloodstream at ALL TIMES!
It's better than smoking.
More to come...
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
As the world continues to turn...(sort of)
It would seem that some people feel that I've not exposed myself enough on this blog, so , I'm going to attempt to rectify that situation a little bit now.
Regarding the long comment posted by "anonymous" on my last entry, some people have asked me why I don't just get rid of it, and my answer is quite simple; because I don't want to. I'm not a big fan of censorship. Besides, it is real and it's passionate, and it is meaningful to the person who wrote it, and that's what this blog is supposed to be about. Why would I want to interfere with that? That being said...
I've done plenty of things in my life that make me feel shame, but I'm not ashamed of my life. I've made plenty of mistakes (bad decisions) but I would not discount or deny them any more than I would my accomplishments. Those mistakes are just as much a part of me and my life as the good choices that I've made, to deny them would be to deny myself. Those choices are what makes my life my life. They make me, me. Good, bad, or indifferent those choices make me who I am.
I cannot try to "justify" my selfish actions if those actions have caused negative feelings to stir in other people. It's all relative. If I have two concert tickets and two friends, do I give both tickets to my friends and miss the show myself? Or do I pick one to go with me, thereby making one happy and leaving the other with hurt feelings? I do not set out to maliciously hurt people's feelings, but unfortunately, some of the decisions that I make affect some people in that way. As far as I'm concerned that is just life. We all do it. I, however, have been exceptionally selfish in many aspects of my life. Aspects where selfishness should not be a factor but I chose to make it one anyway.
I have made quite a few of what some people would call questionable decisions in my life, and I will continue to make them, I'm sure, because I am not "perfect", and at the end of the day, I am very selfish. I am not proud of this trait, but I do accept it because it is who I am, it is how I have always been. It is a flaw and I try to recognize it as often as I can but more often than not, I "miss" it and end up erring on the side of selfishness. To have this shortcoming pointed out to me, even in an angry and malicious manner, is good for me. It opens my eyes to my own bad behavior. As far as I'm concerned if I have "wronged" someone then I deserve to feel the repercussions of it. If that means that such a person will feel better about themselves by hating me, then so be it. There is nothing that I could do to give them as much satisfaction as that, and in their eyes I deserve it, so who am I to question it? Other than to try to not let it happen again, which I often fail at.
As for the burial that I "bailed" on, I made yet another in a long line of bad decisions. I succumbed to an emotional spike that was brought on by a confrontation and reacted inappropriately. I made the wrong choice. If I could take it back and do it over again I would, but the deed is done, and now I have to live with it. I am so sorry for having done that. There is no excuse, I should have "sucked it up" and attended instead of using my emotional state as an excuse to stay away. Once again, I was being selfish. I intend to approach each individual who was in attendance and apologize to them personally for my bad behavior. It's not much, but it's all I have, except to not let something like that happen again, but only time and circumstance will allow me that opportunity so I will have to wait, and remember.
I have changed in a lot of ways, but in others, I have not. I really need to work on that.
Regarding the long comment posted by "anonymous" on my last entry, some people have asked me why I don't just get rid of it, and my answer is quite simple; because I don't want to. I'm not a big fan of censorship. Besides, it is real and it's passionate, and it is meaningful to the person who wrote it, and that's what this blog is supposed to be about. Why would I want to interfere with that? That being said...
I've done plenty of things in my life that make me feel shame, but I'm not ashamed of my life. I've made plenty of mistakes (bad decisions) but I would not discount or deny them any more than I would my accomplishments. Those mistakes are just as much a part of me and my life as the good choices that I've made, to deny them would be to deny myself. Those choices are what makes my life my life. They make me, me. Good, bad, or indifferent those choices make me who I am.
I cannot try to "justify" my selfish actions if those actions have caused negative feelings to stir in other people. It's all relative. If I have two concert tickets and two friends, do I give both tickets to my friends and miss the show myself? Or do I pick one to go with me, thereby making one happy and leaving the other with hurt feelings? I do not set out to maliciously hurt people's feelings, but unfortunately, some of the decisions that I make affect some people in that way. As far as I'm concerned that is just life. We all do it. I, however, have been exceptionally selfish in many aspects of my life. Aspects where selfishness should not be a factor but I chose to make it one anyway.
I have made quite a few of what some people would call questionable decisions in my life, and I will continue to make them, I'm sure, because I am not "perfect", and at the end of the day, I am very selfish. I am not proud of this trait, but I do accept it because it is who I am, it is how I have always been. It is a flaw and I try to recognize it as often as I can but more often than not, I "miss" it and end up erring on the side of selfishness. To have this shortcoming pointed out to me, even in an angry and malicious manner, is good for me. It opens my eyes to my own bad behavior. As far as I'm concerned if I have "wronged" someone then I deserve to feel the repercussions of it. If that means that such a person will feel better about themselves by hating me, then so be it. There is nothing that I could do to give them as much satisfaction as that, and in their eyes I deserve it, so who am I to question it? Other than to try to not let it happen again, which I often fail at.
As for the burial that I "bailed" on, I made yet another in a long line of bad decisions. I succumbed to an emotional spike that was brought on by a confrontation and reacted inappropriately. I made the wrong choice. If I could take it back and do it over again I would, but the deed is done, and now I have to live with it. I am so sorry for having done that. There is no excuse, I should have "sucked it up" and attended instead of using my emotional state as an excuse to stay away. Once again, I was being selfish. I intend to approach each individual who was in attendance and apologize to them personally for my bad behavior. It's not much, but it's all I have, except to not let something like that happen again, but only time and circumstance will allow me that opportunity so I will have to wait, and remember.
I have changed in a lot of ways, but in others, I have not. I really need to work on that.
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