As the world turns...

If you're a fan of soap operas then you might be interested in this post.
If you're not, then don't even bother reading it. It's just some of the struggles that I am currently going through right now in regards to my social life.

I was recently contacted by a friend from the past, a female friend, who has expressed a long held romantic interest in me, and the feeling is mutual, but I am hesitant to become involved with her even though I really want to, and I know it would be good for me. I'm just not so sure how good it would be for her.

Given my current circumstances, I'm not even sure that I ever want to (or should) become seriously involved with a woman again. I am lonely, and I do like her, but I mean really, when I think about it, it doesn't seem right to nurture the love of a woman, knowing that I'm only here for "a good time, not a long time". I may feel good right now, better than I have in 2 or 3 years, but I am still not the man I was 3 years ago and likely never will be again. I still have cancer and I am still going to die, probably within the next 10 years. Yes, I am fighting strong and well, and I remain steadfast in my belief that there is a possibility that I can fight this through the natural course of my life and live to a decent age before finally succumbing to the cancer (or something else. Maybe someone will kill me because they are sick of listening to me; >"Die already, you wordy bastard!!"< ), but I am also a realist. I cannot ignore the statistics, or my Doctors' experience with other cancer patients. (Or the image that I now see in the mirror, I've noticed some changes, and they're not good ones.) I'd like to think that somehow I'm special, (in one way I am, terminal prostate cancer at 40, woohoo! lucky me!) that it can be different for me, but the reality is, I'm just another human, just another number, and in the end there is only so much that I can do for myself, and since I don't believe in a God any more, I'm not expecting a miracle any time soon. So, would it be fair of me to put someone through that kind of inevitable emotional pain just so that I can spend the few remaining years of my life with a companion and not alone? Wouldn't that be selfish? Isn't that why I gave my former girlfriend the option of leaving, because I didn't want to do that to her? Why would I want to do it to somebody else? These are just some of the questions that I am currently struggling with. I don't want to die alone and I can't imagine that there are very many women who would even want to put themselves into this position, yet this fine lady claims that she is approaching the situation with her eyes open, fully aware of what to expect and how it will most likely end up if we make it a long term attachment. Even still, does that make it alright?
I know that, for me, if I was involved in a serious romantic relationship with someone who developed a terminal illness I would never leave them, (at least, not for that, perhaps something else?) but if I met a woman who told me that she currently has cancer, or if someone I liked from the past, but was never linked to romantically, developed it, that I would be very hesitant to get close to her in a romantic or loving way. [ It's a self preservation thing, we all have our fair share of having to bury our loved ones over the course of our lives, why walk into a situation where we know that it's imminent in the near future?] Why should I expect someone else to make a sacrifice like that when I'm almost positive that I would not do the same for them? It makes me feel like I'd be taking advantage of her in some way.

I'm not sure what to do at this point, but I know what I'm not going to do; make any impetuous decisions.

I have lots of pondering ahead of me.
(If you're not a fan of soap operas and you read this far? I warned you.)

Right now...

...I got nothing.
Everything is going far too well.
Try again later.
Have a great day.
I did.

My cancer research

I have been trying to refine my diagnosis a little bit, to narrow it down to a specific kind of cancer so that I can then determine the best course of action, as far as fighting it, that is specific to me, my biological make up and my current physical condition. It is challenging, to say the least.

I have learned that cancer is heterogeneous, not just in it's interaction with the individual but also in general. My cancer, if observed under a microscope next to another person's, would exhibit certain characteristics specific to me, which means I own it, and as far as I am concerned, if I own it; I can control it. The diagnosis is done through pattern recognition (microscopic observation) not molecular testing. That testing is generally reserved for researchers who are trying to understand cancer as an entity of itself in an attempt to learn how to precisely diagnose it by cause rather than by anatomic location or physical symptoms. I've been reading a lot and asking a lot of questions and I think that I've learned that cancer is the interaction of a cell that is no longer under growth control with it's environment, like the weeds on your lawn, it's similar to the grass, but not the same, and chokes out the healthy growth around it. I listened to a lecture given by a cancer Doctor recently and in it he said; "change the soil and you affect the growth". That statement, along with others, has stuck with me.

Holy shit, I've been reading too much, I am a wordy fuck.

Anyway, I think the point I'm trying to make here is that I have not given up. I am actively seeking positive action which will create positive results. The whole "imminent death" thing has been weighing on my mind quite a bit recently and I've been fighting it in many different ways, one of which is by researching the actionable possibilities for my continued existence on this planet. I am still having a difficult time kicking cigarettes but it will come, and I'm not convinced that in the short term it really matters, although that is part of "changing the soil", as long as I quit them soon. I have made other changes though, with my diet, taking supplements, sleep (still blissful, I may never take it for granted again) and exercise. I believe that I am getting closer to finding the "secret formula" that will work for me, to extend my life for as long as possible.

I am optimistic about, and looking forward to, the future; particularly this spring and summer. I plan on touching base with friends and Family whom I've been neglecting, or at least I feel I have anyway, and I look forward to rectifying that situation.